Monthly Archives: February 2013

What i really want to say….

I want to talk about sex. Wow. Loaded opening line eh? A great topic for this lovely consumeristic holiday called Valentine’s Day. It is true. But it may not mean exactly what you think.  I am making this grand leap here in this moment to recommit myself to blogging but also to open up the dialogue regarding sex.  There is so much that is not being talked about yet we are expected to have mastered it genetically like dogs and innately knowing how to swim.  I did not have as most people have not had a relationship that allowed for such conversation to take place. Yet, how can one learn valuable insight and experience when noone will talk about sex? Even the military requires a soldier to pass down what they know to soldier behind them. When was the birth of this unspoken knowingness that we all have questions throughout our development as sexual human beings that we want to ask but should not ask anyone??  When my eldest daughter was in middle school i braved a bold conversation about masterbation with her in order to help open her mind to explore herself first before worrying about the upcoming teenage hormonal magnetism she was about to face between herself and the opposite sex. I was hoping it would help her see that she could talk to me when she had already learned that most parents could not be talked to about anything. As a single mother i wanted to protect them by giving them knowledge that might save their life even if only opening a door to talk about things. Most parents have no idea that their children lose their virginity at preteen and early teen years these days. It was not easy talking to my daughter about masterbation. My theory at the time was to help my daughter  find a focus that was also a distraction from exploring her sexual curiosities with a boy and risk bigger issues. The teen pregnancy rate in high school is astronomical. I would be willing to place a fat wager on i rapid decline in high school pregnancies if our children had a natural knowledge and perspective on the “orgasm”. In order to dispel the negative stigma behind sexual knowledge I had to open up a discussion in my household about sex. I began using humor when referring to topics that were modest in nature.  I had to pretend i was that person all along who was comfortable about talking more openly about such matters. Even if my daughter  thought i was crazy or i embarrassed her she had a foundation to work with in her mind that was not just her own regarding sexual desire and self discovery. I hated how the media portrayed sex.  I wanted my girls  to have a healthier idea about themselves and their sexuality than i did.  I had begun around that time to express some bolder statements about sexuality and our bodies. I was a single mother of three lovely daughters and I wanted to find a way to dispel the mystery and voodoo about talking through the curiosities, the changes our bodies go through, the concerns or questions that arise at different times in our lives, etc etc.  I did not ever talk to my mother when my period started. when i had excruciating cramps in middle school every month from my cycle, i suffered for hours in silence and shamefully hid my struggles all throughout my development until i was emancipated as a teenager.  Foster care was a much better environment for me to find more freedom to be me but again noone ever spoke outloud as my authority figures about any of my physical development. and certainly about sexuality.ever.  Even today just beginning my forties, there are questions i have about my body and what to expect as i get older.  There is not a personal connection today between doctors and patients to confide about important concerns i may have.  Even if i like my doctor i am surely not going to begin a conversation about orgasms and signs to look for in monitoring my body for changes that most inevitably take place as i eventually mature into menopausal years. Whats sex like? Even if the majority population of elderly no longer engage in a sexual life, what can i expect to experience? I have never had a candid conversation with any of my female friends about sex and my body or theirs.I take that back. One time during a late shift at work while out on a break, several of my coworkers who had become very good friends with over the years, someone started a conversation about sex. One of them made jokes about “faking the orgasm” then one by one each female chimed in with a joke or an affirmation regarding the necessity of “faking it”.  As we were all giggling and making light, i spoke up and declared this to be new knowledge for me. Everyone pretty much “booed” me in denial that i NEVER faked an orgasm. “What?” i asked them. “I did not even know i was SUPPOSED to”. Again everyone burst out in laughter. this was the first and only real sexual conversation i had in my life with other women about sex. I found at times it was easier to have such conversations with men oddly enough…If you were dating them and you were ready for the next phase of the relationship, it was a welcome conversation between man and woman to talk about sex. The more interesting you made the conversation only further inspired the suitor “so to speak” to  explore the sexuality between you and him. I have had some insightful and interesting conversations with men about sex and their perspective regarding women and how women behave or appear from where they stand on the subject.  I must say that women are listening too much to strangers on talk shows and missing a great deal about how men really are. But mothers do not share with daughters a thoughtful approach to raising the sexual side of their humanism or their sons for that matter.Teens get punished for getting caught engaging in sexual activity , something that is so natural it is with them since before birth! Yet NOONE tells them WHAT to expect! Why would you want some teacher who is a virtual stranger to your child , why would you want them to teach your child about health and our sexuality? It is hard being a parent. But some circumstances cannot be taken lightly. I want to change this twisted illusion of sexuality for my children and the future of our everchanging world.  Perhaps it begins here?I would rather people think i am crazy or vulgar (will try to use the best sensitivity regarding the use of language as possible but some words may be inadvertently remain a bit shocking)than to perpetuate this blind obedience to the negative connotations surrounding our natural sexual being. I hope to speak of things that so many others want to also better understand but have no outlet to reach that greater understanding. I have many questions myself i shall endeavor to resolve and can only hope that i have given something good and positive to others. I hope to hear from others with more questions we all want answers to but are afraid to ask. I eagerly welcome and excitedly anticipate insight from other women who have already experienced what i have yet to.  With their insight and experience , i can accomplish on some level my goal of a more sincere and mindful effort to giving our future generations a more beautiful , powerful and a more positive self image in their journey of sexuality. Aho!

I would like to begin this  journey by talking about pleasure.   What is pleasure? If pleasure exists, and we know it does…why does it exist? Surely, there must be a reason.  Throughout history control has been maintained over the general population through pleasure of the denying of pleasure. One might also say that placing moral judgements around acts of pleasure is also method for  controlling people. As hard as it is to believe at times, people are innately good. Most of us have a conscience and we feel bad when we do not live up to the standard our conscience sets up for us. For the most part, we as a human race desire to be good people. It brings us pleasure to feel the goodness within us. This continuous journey for the pleasure of goodness makes us easy prey for being controlled by greedy people who find pleasure in controlling through power, wealth and whatever means comes to mind.  Even if your mind tries to convince your body that you feel nothing, if ever stroked or massaged in or around the erogenous areas of the body, you cannot convince your body not to feel the pleasure. You cannot easily or instantly shutoff or deny the nerve reactions that promote arousal throughout your body. That is often why victims of sexual crimes struggle so intensely through recovery as they experience extreme shame and guilt from the reaction their body goes through during an unwelcome sexual violation.  Violators often use this as a fear tactic for controlling victims into silence.” You know you liked it. I could tell you liked it and i will tell everyone you wanted it and that you liked it.” Make them feel guilty for pleasure they did not seek and you can often guarantee that the shame they feel will keep them silent. Pleasure is a powerful force. How can something so powerful be so easily manipulated and morally judged? Even without our permission our body can feel pleasure.  My point is that pleasure is natural. Too much pleasure may not be beneficial and may even become harmful and toxic but too much of anything can be hazardous. I feel that it is time to put an end to control and mass conformity through distortion of all that is natural within us.  I feel if we can better understand and accept our own pleasure than we can equip ourselves with tools for coping and developing into strong confident and positive people. I personally feel that if we can learn to pleasure ourselves than we do not develop into people expecting to find our pleasure only in others or through others.  When my babies were very little and i would read them stories in their bedroom , they would at different times grab their own body parts as naturally as some babies suck  their thumbs. How can such tiny creatures so quickly stumble upon sexual pleasure even before they are verbal if it were something sinful or wrong or bad? This thought came to me when my first baby discovered herself and a new way to pacify herself she had not learned through outside sources. I remembered a circumstance when i was a small girl. My mom was babysitting two young girls for her friend and they were supposed to take an afternoon nap. My mom was a mean lady and even though she was giving me a break by freaking out on these little girls , I still felt bad for them. she woke one of them up from her nap on the floor to yell at her and call her a nasty little girl for having her hands between her legs while she napped. This little girl was not even awake and yet my mom felt some twisted need to find some kind of remedy for her own perverted view of the situation by waking this four year old child up from her nap to ridicule her for something she was not even aware that she was doing.  I was only about ten or eleven years old myself but yet i understood the dysfunctional perspective my mother was promoting upon this innocent little girl. My mind naturally understood the innocence of it all and of my little baby and her new discovery of herself. Pleasure. It can be an explosive empowering force if carefully and mindfully maintained or a  dangerous force if used for the wrong reasons or carelessly and/or selfishly hastened into. But a natural part of life itself is pleasure no matter how you want to look at it. Just like tastebuds though, it  is also important to properly train and educate the body, the mind and the spirit about pleasure in order to further a healthy sexual perspective about your own body and of others.  In todays society however, the more corporations can make the average consumer feel inadequate or inferior, the greater the people desire then demand for good feelings such as pleasure to replace these feelings of inadequacy.  Once this mission is accomplished then you are now enslaved to their controlling forces and will faithfully buy whatever they are selling to overcome every judgemental fallibility the consumer world convicts you of.  Indulging into anything for any extended period of time can become a distraction from our higher purpose as well. However do not be mistaken that pleasure as a valid place in our lives. Know within yourself that pleasure is as natural as breathing and blinking. Not just sexual pleasure. If we can better accept the natural place pleasure in general has in our life then we can open ourselves up to a better understanding of everyone and we can perhaps alleviate the need to place judgements on our natural self. It brings me great pleasure to do nice things for other people. Am i better than others for being this way? Or  Is it selfish to do nice things for others because it gives pleasure to do so? Even if we battle within ourselves to help someone who challenges our kindness and generosity regularly, and have become resigned to help once again….we come to this final decision based  up the relief we seek to find within ourselves to resolve the request of assistance . This may not offer us pleasure to create the resolution and help the constantly needy person, but we help because we want to take away the DISPLEASURE we feel within ourselves by NOT helping. We judge others as uncaring and heartless if they are able to avoid the magnetic force the conscious can play on our hearts regarding helping others in constant need. Keep us feeling bad or remind us of all the LACK of pleasure in our life and we as a human population will offer our whole lifetime in obedience to your vast remedies for this lack of pleasure. Let us challenge ourselves to change the way we think regarding pleasuure and perhaps we can begin to change the way we teach others about what is a natural part of our existence. We cannot get here on this planet unless one person experiences the ultimate in sexual pleasure. without at least ONE orgasm we will not further human life.(other than unnatural medical intervention that is) If we begin once again to look at one another in a more  acceptable and natural view then we can change  our ways of behaving towards one another and our ways of treating each other towards a more positive reality. I wonder if others think of the things i do in these ponderings? There will always be debates about what is healthy and unhealthy pleasure and who is to judge ; but simply considering a new  way offers an empowering opportunity for us to step outside of thoughts fed to us by others and it allows us to see people for what our own minds and hearts naturally reveal.  Ever heard of the saying”let ME be the judge of that”?  It truly is a better path than trusting just anyone, even peers around you. whether you know them or not how efficient is your own gauge of others working if you continuously consult people you do not even know to determine what is acceptable and what is not? Pleasure. Imagine all they way we feel pleasure.emotional, psychological, mental, physical, perhaps even spiritual. Pleasure (or the desire to eliminate DISPLEASURE)drives us and motivates us in every facet of our lives. I think its important to begin our dialogue and our ponderings here because we have become so distorted by the ill or selfish intentions of greater entities controlling of the general population that our misguided views on pleasure have taken us away from accepting ourselves and others for the natural way we are. Consider letting go of the outdated practice of assuming that the behavior of others is up for moral judgement because it differs from your own behavior and of those you are accustomed to.Even one persons acceptance and optimistic view of another can transform a person and their own self image through this one act of acceptance. One little ray of light in someone else’s life can change the world for all the generations to come. We have already seen how all the negative actions have affected the world around us and will continue to affect us for generations to come.  If you feel the connectedness of all things then you appreciate the powerful affect we as individuals have on each other and the world as a  whole. If all you ever do is eat macaroni and cheese your whole life, aside from a poor digestive system you will have stunted your palette into only understanding the flavor of cheese and noodles. Everything else you introduce your taste buds to will seem foreign. the unfamiliarity affects your brains ability to understand new flavors and textures.  Your taste sensations have become stunted for lack of being subjected to a variety of flavors. The brain must learn to appreciate different types of food in order to learn to react properly for healthy digestion. The better understanding we have or different taste sensations the more opportunity for our mouth to learn to salivate for a variety of flavors; an action necessary for proper digestion. This same way of thinking can even be applied to considering new ideas regarding all facets of our life. the more we consider different perspectives the more opportunity we allow in our lives to see that there are many different ways to be and live and think and that there is not only one RIGHT way. Many rivers flow differently with a wide variety of twists and turns but yet they all eventually pour into the same big ocean. many paths can lead to the same place. The diversity in all the different journeys only adds to the richness of our existence. Consider pleasure and all the ways we voluntarily and involuntarily experience pleasure. If we can better understand this and how much we do Not know regarding the experiences of others, maybe we can be the change the world needs. Towards more tolerance and less harsh judgement and criticism  of others for being a different flavor than we are.