Monthly Archives: October 2012

What i would really say…..(Profane language!!!)

Why is the ego so strong? It seems we spend more energy dealing with our own ego and the ego of others than truly living.  We are also too caught up in this human adventure.  We spend more time on the expectations of our society and the world around us than living in the trueness of ourselves. We are NOT humans!!! We are Spirits having a human experience. What happened long ago that we forgot this??? Are we really the ignorant race our ancestors , believe us to be? We are all one. I know this . I believe this. Religion has really fucked up the unity between all of mankind. Its all good you know. One should NEVER be too sure of anything.  Only the most magical of things are revealed within the faith of the unknown. Sometimes, I feel so right i am bursting with excitement at new revelation as it finds me in my path!  Then i dare consider that i could be wrong in my 99.999% rightness and suddenly , my whole life changes. By some miraculous force, I am shown a new way, a new view of things, a new possibility waiting to be considered.   The greatest struggle is living in a world where noone else wants to consider this as well. Look people, we seriously are all intelligent creations. its all a magical beauty unfolding within all of us. Unless more consider this possibility, we are all forced to evolve on our own and face a greater struggle living among people who refuse to consider that anything is possible. I swear its like the power of the “Nothing”. In the movie, The NeverEnding Story, this force overcomes everything by the lack of faith our world exhibits. All we have to do is dream and believe that its always possible to be better. Why argue against it when its clear we are all here? why are we here if not for some reason? It would seem the force that divides us from mechanical practicality and profound beings is the identification of emotions and our ability to Love.  It is truly the ego that prevents us from really considering the complete oneness that we all belong to. WTF!!! My ego makes me angry. I recognize my ego and the ego in others. I do not wish to relate to others from this avenue. I want to truly share myself with others and to let them know that i realize i am here to brighten up others lives and to be a positive force among those i encounter throughout my life. I feel like a fucking alien though when trying to go about my business affairs in my everyday life and the world seems to be completely overtaken by their egos. I am exhausted from battling the day to day  vibrations of a mass population of humans who have succumbed to the robotic programming of our society. It is truly not important how others see you. Be totally yourself and the rest will work itself out ya know? NOone is better than another. Believe what you want but our skill level does not define our level of deservedness of love or respect. Everyone has a path. Some are here to shine their light among the other blue collar workers at the cleaning company they work for. Some of us are here to be vagabonds adding joy to lives all across the globe to where they travel. Some of us are here to soften the hearts of people who have been buried in insecurity and loneliness though seemingly to the outside world sharply dressed and successful in all counts of the standards of the western culture.  Some of us are here to drive people crazy yet instill strength and determination in the sufferers themselves so that in the future of their path they can stand strong in the face of adversity when they need their strength the most. My point is that I realize their is a reason why every good thing, every seemingly horrific thing and every insignificant event is meant to take place. We may not know why or when we shall understand the reasoning why such things happen. Perhaps it is not meant for us to know ever???? Keeping this open minded view of never being completely right no matter how absurd the possibility of being wrong is, can truly offer an ability to tap into a harmony that one might never consider.   The toughest part is not being able to truly be honest with others as the risk of wounding their ego is at an alltime high. It is unreal. Adults refuse to raise their children right or rebuke them as needed because they are too busy protecting their own ego by wrecklously defending defending their own ego through their children.   It is an epidemic of epic proportions.  My ego gets impatient and irritated at the pace of the evolving of others. How absurd is that? I want to be in harmony at all times but i feel overwhelmed at intesnsity of the egos all around me and instead of holding my ground i flare up my own ego and get all feisty only slowing the progress even further. Speaking for myself , when those moments arrive i want to hit my head against a wall when i grow weary of the dealing with the inundation of others. the banal conversation that only shows they have let their ego be the auto pilot of the journey.  AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!clearly this outburst of emotion is my ego feeling exasperated . Probably a good thing. the irony of this entire blog is that this is nothing close to what i was originally intending on saying. I have literally taken a complete divergent path on this expression of my learning. Wanting to elaborate more but duties are calling me away from my computer. I can only hope that all of us can see the beauty in each other and exercise the patience required to help awaken the magic in each other and ultimately defeating the ego all together. May you all consider your part you are playing even without realizing it in the lives of everyone around you. Even strangers. Why are where here? To be better? To race others to the head of the line in the world of consumerism?  To be prettier? more fit? successful?(what is the true definition of that anyway?) Are we better than each other? Perhaps we are not so right on this perspective and we have just chosen a more joyful path? Or perhaps we have chosen a better life but only by randomly uncovering something through the curiosities of our journey?? Everyone is magnificent. They would not be here if it were not meant to be. We just bury our magnificence with all kinds of shit and ugliness and dissension and anger and fear and EGO. But deep down where it really counts…..its their. The real you and me. We know this and we dream of this. We are all perfection. It has been an old campaign to lead us to believe otherswise that has distracted us from the truth that is mapped in our very DNA. Let it go for a minute everyone. … The impatience…the road rage…the frustration…See them for the perfection they are…everyone around you…they will suddenly see others the same way. what is there to lose? Your ego??? one can only hope.

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Talkin to myself again…

There wasn’t anything eventful about the first time i met him really. His quick acknowledgement of my presence upon our being introduced and he immediately turned back to the truck he was working on for my new boyfriend. I always get the impression that it was raining or just close to sunset but i do not recall all these years later.  His little boy poked his head out for a second too.  What a beautiful little kid.  I do not really remember how much time passed before we really started to talk to each other as friends. He came around fairly regularly as he was a jack of all trades kind of guy and could be called upon for all sorts of repair jobs . Especially automobiles. He is more of a hippie type who doesn’t hold down a regular job. He Has some property and has been trying to create his homestead since he moved there shortly after we met. I like that about people. I like the courage and assertiveness they exhibit to claim their life as they choose. He has very strong convictions as i do about the environment and the quality of our food and big money,etc.

I think the first time i really remember connecting with him was when i was in Knoxville and my relationship was going extremely well. My boyfriend wanted to build onto his house to make more room for me and my three daughters.  I was excited about this positive turn of events in my life after years and years of struggle raising children without the support of their daddy.  I was not enjoying being single for so long. I wanted to share my life with someone. I loved the idea of knowing someone was waiting at home for me. I hated going home alone day in and day out and worrying if some strangers were aware that i was gone alot and then home alone alot. Often i would call my friends just to have someone on the phone with me while i entered my dark home and checked all the rooms to  be sure noone had been hiding. I left my job and became a “foreman” of sorts on the new addition construction that was beginning. I left my job and would spend all day overseeing the construction then return home every other night when i had my daughters. We lived an hour away. Being there all day allowed me to handle the dealings with all the workers that were there daily working on different projects. He happened to be there one particular day to work on one of the several cars that my boyfriend owned.  I was in the office when i saw him pull in the drive.  I went out to greet  him. He seemed kind of shy. I noticed that he didnt make alot of eye contact back then. But we struck a conversation about Monsanto companies and Big Oil and we just clicked. As we got more excited about our conversation we would talk louder and faster. It was a natural occurrence. But it seemed the more often he came over to help us with work projects the more our talks would evolve to those big topics we both had so many convictions about. I started to take notice of who this man really was. I was in a fabulous relationship with a man who had a great job and still appreciated the importance of remaining humble and good stewards of the land. he valued the same things as well.

It wasn’t like i was beginning to have feelings for my new friend. Was I? I had so much distraction in my life regarding all the changes that i didn’t recognize whether or not there was something between us. It just seemed like a naturally budding friendship with a kindred spirit. My life was really exploding with abundance and blessings that i didn’t really think beyond the cool connection we found.  Why would i? Head over heels in love with a new home being built and soon after i would find myself engaged and married by the time the house project was near its completion. I love talking to him though and i looked forward to when i would get the chance to vibe with him about the things so important to both of us. The truth is , that i was consumed by those convictions. I was what you might consider overzealous about it. He was too. It was something you do not get to find everyday. Most people talked about the common issues around the community or regular jabber about the latest goings on regarding primetime television programming.. I didn’t care about that stuff and so it left me little to offer and frankly little interest in conversation with most people around me outside of friendly courtesies.  It was noticeable that i had a strong connection beyond even my own awareness with M.  Even my fiance’ could tell. I didn’t think anythinng of it because i was so caught up in the life that was unfolding before me. I had no reason to look or pay attention to him as i might have  all those years required back when i was single.  One day he arrived and i went outside to greet him and in our conversation it just so happened that i asked his birthday and it happened to be the day before. I had been freinds with him over a year and i didn’t even know his birthday? I felt bad because he put his head down and seemed sad as if it had passed with no acknowledgement from anyone. I also learned that day that we were the same age.

Over time i would randomly call M for advice on computer stuff or to find a calm perspective when something goin on in the world bothered me so bad i could hardly stand it and he would listen or offer advice on how best to deal.  I loved having a friend like him who not only appreciated my concerns but felt the same way and believed as i did about wanting to expand our shared vision to the world around us.

I noticed that he never dated. I never saw him with a woman. I was struck by this and very surprised because most men do not seem to care about much beyond the banal lives they lead. This man is willing to do without, live and struggle in order to live outside of the mainstream way of life. He grew his own food. He was building his own house and trying to build a company that recycled veggie oil for automobile fuel.  He started a Vegan club via email to try to stay connected to other like minded health conscious individuals. He homeschooled his son and chose homeopathic approaches to his health needs and for his sons. He celebrated the natural woman and loved and advocated that women love themselves from a natural perspective. Most men are so easily hypnotized by big boob jobs and fake nails and fake tans and streaked hair and waxed EVERYTHING.  It surprised me that a man as knowledgeable and earth loving and health minded and natural as he was could actually be available!  I did make a conscious mental note and perhaps even audible remark about how I cannot believe i meet this guy NOW! I didn’t feel disappointed. It was more of an observation. Even now when i think about it i find it comical.  I would think of him and wish i knew of a single woman good enough to introduce him to.  I knew alot of single women but i didn’t feel they deserved a chance a guy this awesome because from where i stood they would not appreciate what he has to offer.

I had known him for almost two years before i ever went over to his house. His place is just a few minutes away from where i live. I was very excited to finally see where he lived after so long . It was really neat. Just a few acres of land but several large buildings with half finished projects all over the place. It was exciting to see all these projects in the works. to see that there was someone else other than myself that valued a self sustaining way of life. Many people in my social circle may talk about it but most do not actually walk the walk like he was.  You could tell it surprised him that we were all excited to be there and that we all thought his place was awesome. My two younger daughters were there with me also. They also thought he was totally awesome as was his new homestead.  There was one little thought that creeped into my head that day about how crazy this all was that my vision was unfolding in his life.  I did actually think to myself “I totally would have been open to this guy had i met him when i was single!”

I love my husband. I love the way he makes me laugh, and his warm affection i receive daily. I love how smart he is and resourceful. He is an incredible lover and had a heart of gold always trying to give of himself to everyone. He is hilarious and brave. He has a great ass and a perfect smile . He is the best kisser i have ever known.  he totally respects women. He tries harder than any man i know at everything he ventures into. He adores me. He is generous and kind. He is not perfect and he is very messy but he is a rare gem in this world. I am so very lucky to have his love and share a beautiful life together with him.  I say all this because though i am talking to myself , I think the world and my ego need to understand how much I love being married to my husband. Its not easy and i do not ever expect it will be. But it is grand to be where i am in my life today. I do not feel ilke i settled for less when opening my heart and life to my husband. I do not feel there is something missing between us. I do not question the choice i made to marry him. I miss him when he is not around. I am excited about his return from work or travel or the grocery store. There is however this awareness about my dear friend and the uncanny connection we have between us. Earlier this spring he went through and intense 40day fast. He lost alot of weight. When i saw him for the first time since his fast he was so different i was surprised.He was so handsome!!!What a good looking man i never realized he was!  I am not attracted to heavyset men. I never thought about him in terms of being attractive or not. My middle daughter has remarked in the past about how much alike M and i are. How we should get married. She said it in front of my new husband. I was startled by her frankness. I know she has a tendency to spit things out at inappropriate time or say things that should remain thoughts but this was enough to make me red in the face. I do not know why. I do not nor have i ever thought of him in a romantic way. I am a very sexual person and think about eroticism alot. But i have never entertained such thoughts about my friends. I could not help myself when i saw him i noticed what a handsome man he really is. I never noticed before. He had lost so much weight he needed some better fitting clothes. I needed him to help me go look at a vehicle i was considering to buy and we met the lady in a parkinglot near a large Goodwill store. The car did not pan out but M and i decided to go and checkout the Goodwill. He was wearing natural oil of amber and patchouli i think. What a fabulous smell i thought. I couldn’t help notice my friends new look of fitness and health. He seemed to be glowing as he tried on different outfits and everything he tried on looked wonderful. I felt blessed to get to help him pick out some nice new duds that really brought attention to himself. It was exciting to see him so transformed. Shortly after that shopping adventure he started dating someone. I thought it ironic that he met one of my friends through some internet discussion group. She had been at my wedding as was he. She and i went out for girls night and had a nice relationship. I never thought of her and it surprised how i never thought to consider hooking the two up. She did also have alot of fervent convictions about the state of affairs in our world concerning our environment , the economy, the government, etc. I could totally see them as a decent match in that regard.  When i found out they were talking i was so excited i mentioned it to M when i saw him next. He seemed really excited that i knew her and seemed hopeful about it being a good hookup. He was a big part of my life and my girls life and he was around so often that it took some adjusting when suddenly he stopped coming around because he was spending so much time with his new girl. I did not know her too well but what i did know of her she seemed to be a fair choice for him . My kids were quickly jealous because they were used to him being around so much. He knows so much about so many different things that he was able to build cool relationships with some of my kids before he started dating this woman. I was happy for him and i had to work hard at keeping my girls optimistic and happy for him. In our selfishness , we all loved having him around regularly and didn’t want to change. But i was so happy for him. Suddenly he wanted to do all sorts of fun stuff like hiking and camping and water trips with kids and such. My maternal instinct swelled up a few times in worry that she might hurt him. He is such a good man and a great friend that i did not want to see him get hurt. I had to remind my girls that he deserved happiness and everyone should be happy for him. A part of me deep down inside did worry that she might hurt him or not appreciate his many wonderful qualities. He wasn’t mine. He didn’t have any stake with our family. Why would we expect him to still spend more time with us than with her? Thats preposterous to expect of anyone. How long had it been since he was with a woman or in a relationship? He deserved this. I truly hoped that this would be a good thing for him as he so deserved a good thing. I noticed however, that she started acting different towards me when she began dating him.  She suddenly stopped talking when hanging out socially with us. She would come to see him but not talk to me who she knew far longer than she knew him. She carried a really strange vibe with her from then on. My husband and our kids also mentioned how uncomfortable she was making everyone feel now.She even started dressing exactly like him. Big baggy mens tshirts and baggy khaki pants. She seemed to be less than thrilled to be around us now that they were together. I didn’t feel like i could tell him because i wanted him to enjoy being happy.  Within a couple of weeks of dating she moved into his homestead with her daughter who happened to be exactly 24hours older than his son. It all seemed to be a perfect thing. I couldn’t help but hope that he found his someone special. After a few short months, the politics of each having” only children “in this new relationship took over and as soon as this adventure began it seemed as if was ending. I wanted to tell her she better not hurt him but why would i say that? what would i have done? nothing. Why even think such a thing? I do not know. The pictures i had developed had just come back and i had set a few i wanted him to have on my counter. By the time i gave them to him she had left him. The last day they were together at my house was very tense. His girldriends car had died for good and her daughter was out west spending summer with her dad and she didn’t want to come back and live on the homestead with her mom and new family. She lost her job several weeks before that and now with no car she was really stressed.They came over looking to buy one of our older cars. When i saw them arrive i smiled and greeted them. I asked how he was and he said fine but his tone and expression seemed very blue so i went up and embraced him with a good warm hug. I didn’t find out for a few more days that she left him. She said he didn’t have enough money and she couldn’t live like that anymore.  I wanted to fix it for him. I felt so bad. Something strange was happening inside me where i wanted to fix it . i felt responsible for his joy in that moment. I was oddly questioning what the hell was happening to me too for me to even worry about it. Logically , it made sense for me to want to mother my dear friend in his time of heartache. But beyond that i brushed my thoughts and feelings aside because i did not wish to waste my time with matters of no concern to my life. I had enough on my plate anyway to tend to.  My husband asked me if i would have dated M had we met first. I told him i am not into men who are in bad shape but that i definitely would have gone out with him had he asked me. To everyone its obvious that i have alot of admiration for my friend M. I am not inappropriate and i do not need to excercise any self control when around him.  My husband knows that i am crazy about being married and he has nothing to worry about regarding my friendship with M. So whats the deal? I found myself caring more about his attending parties at our house more than anyone else. I cared more about seeing him or talking to him than everyone else aside from my husband and immediate family. I started to feel a tinge guilty when he would come over and i could smell him and i loved how he smelled. I wasn’t thinking about anything in particular and then i would walk by the woodshop and find myself distracted by the scent of the oils he was wearing. No thoughts other than how wonderful that aroma was. Why feel guilty about that? i am not doing anything wrong. I do not like realizing there are parts of me that have been brainwashed over the years and in great need of deprogramming. I did not like feeling bad. I remember one time i was telling someone i live to impress him. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that it means alot to me for him to be pleased with something i am wanting to share. Like a new healthy recipe for something that was made from local and/or organic ingredients. They were a bit stunned by my statement at first and he happened to come into the room and offer an uncomfortable chuckle and asked “why?” i stumbled and corrected myself saying that i value his opinion and i feel i am totally on the right track about diet and such if he is accepting of my choices. I look to him as a gauge for how i am making healthy choices. Very few friends instill that kind of bond with me but to all the people i am tightly bonded with i desire their approval as well. Not just M.

He came over to our drum circle/bonfire the other night and of all the people that attended i was elated that he showed up. I ran up to him and gave him a big hug. I was a little disappointed earlier because i really wanted him to come. I only have my best conversations about the things that mean the most to me in life when i am talking with M. For the first time since i met him i noticed he had green eyes. I was trying to listen to what he was saying but i was thinking to myself” How could i have not EVER noticed it before now? ” Green eyes are my favorite. They are rare and you see very few people with them. He has black curly hair and green eyes. um wow. It was almost laughable to me how i had dreamed of a guy with black hair and green eyes who seemed to live by the same code and conviction i did and i meet him smack in the middle of a great love affair.Now here i sit writing this all down for reasons i know not. I guess because i find myself thinking about him when i least expect it. I came out to the bonfire the other night with my drum to join the drums and musical groove being created. I sat beside him and found myself quickly tapped into the groove he was playing. Another of those moments rose up and sent thoughts whirling around in my head as i tried to maintain a nice groove under the magical harvest moon. I noticed we had a nice melody together. He has seemed very melancholy since breaking up. I am sure he must be lonely. I am sure he would feel better if he had positive reinforcement and support in his life. Love in his life. My beautiful husband sat a very short distance away from us as we drummed by the fire. I felt immense admiration for my beautiful husband for appreciating the friendship between M and I. To me, it showed what a stud HE was for accepting the bond and not being intimidated by the connection my friend and i had. He had been friends with him for far longer than me.

I think often how i wish we could hang out more. We never get together to socialize as friends. I only see him when he is working here on our property or on one of our cars. I wish i could hangout as friends. I wish our homestead and his could all be combined and we could work towards the same goal and surely get more accomplished. We have the same goals but on two different properties.I do not desire him the way i desire my husband. How would i feel if my husband wanted to hangout with some woman this way? I am the woman he wants to hangout with. I would not like for him to want to hangout with another woman more than me. I am not saying that is my desire. I guess i am trying to find peace with the feelings i do have inside. I do not even understand the feelings themselves. If he were a female , we would be best friends. It would be safe for me to spend more time with him and it would be socially acceptable. I do know that i love him. I do know that i worry about him should he get hurt and i wonder now how he is doing when time goes by and we do not speak. He has since gained all the weight back that he was carrying around earlier this spring. He has grown back to resemble the sweet brother/friend/kindred spirit i grew to know and love. Above all else i know i am blessed by our friendship is as everyone is who knows him. He has become a part of my family. He feels more like family to me than my own blood relations. I rest in the comfort of knowing my life is more beautiful because he is in it.