Monthly Archives: July 2012

Living in the Matrix

There used to be a time when i put forth great effort to try to “fit in”. Now that i am older i see that i spend more effort trying to avoid most people. I do not wish to sit and talk about stuff like what is on prime time television networks. I do not wish to listen to people talk about how they are fat cause they have thyroid issues. Most people have thyroid issues because they take shitty care of themselves and it jacks up their thyroid. Most of what people want to talk about i truly do not care to hear. I do not care what is going on with Fox News. I do not care whats on sale at the Mall or what is going on with Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan or Angelina Jolie Pitt. It takes much self control to sit back and tolerate this kind of conversation which is typical in almost any given social situation in America.  Its not ok to really speak your mind as it now goes against the general masses as they all believe in whats trending as if Americans have become androids themselves. My step daughter was over recently and it was an anxious time. We were celebrating her birthday and a few weeks before that there was turmoil with her regarding her condo.  She is 19 and lives in a luxury condo just 1 and a half miles from us. My husband is bound by a divorce decree to pay for all college expenses. To me there is no expense for housing if you live just miles from campus. But She chose to take the spending money and use it all on a condo just down the street from us. She was very upset because several months ago she received a letter from me telling her we were not giving back any of her scholarship money and if she did not take classes in the summer then we would surely not be paying for her housing when she was capable of working to pay for it herself since she was planning on NOT taking classes this summer. My husband is weak when it comes to his kids and his exwife. He carries too much guilt from over the years and they manipulate him fiercely using his guilty complex. Most people worry about how they are going to pay for school. Most people worry if they will get the hours they need to pay their share of the rent. This child has made a huge dramatic display about how her family fell apart since we got married. Her parents had been divorced for nearly twelve years before i came along. She just wasnt used to hearing “NO” from her father. And since hearing him tell her no she has tried hard to turn it into something of a soap opera.  She had not come around her father hardly at all for over three years before i came along. She lives out west. Twenty minutes away from us but in her eyes our place was something to be ashamed of as she was raised to see that she is deserving of better fancier things than the average bear. When we decided to move in together, my husband wanted to build a bigger house to fit all of us in. He already had a whole upstairs floor dedicated to his 20 year old even though he didnt live with us. And when it was announced that another room would be built, my stepdaughter insisted on getting it. She didnt live with us but promised her Dad she would come around more and have slumber parties if he built her that room. He built it and let her choose all the fixtures and paint. She never moved in. She graduated high school and then moved down the road from us into luxury condos. The very same condos that our friends tried to stop from being built. They ruined the drive  on cherokee trail. It doesnt have the magically soothing effect it once had as you drove through.  It takes alot to put yourself in front of bulldozers to keep them from cutting the trees down. Not only does my stepdaughter not care about this but she leaves a brand new room empty here at our house.  We pay nearly six hundred dollars every month for her to live a mile away while her brand new room sits?  The closet isnt finished but it would be if she were using it. It just needs a rod to hang clothes on. Taking all of this into consideration, it perhaps seems understandable one some small level why i have resentment about this situation.  Its not the kids fault necessarily. If my husband hadnt been handing her everything she ever asked for without and expectations then surely this could have been a behavior we were not seeing out of my stepdaughter. The area over there is plastered with trash now.  Many people live there on their parents dime while they attend college. Its not all college housing. But knowing that the majority of the residents now residing in these luxury condos are UT college students, i am appalled at the apathy of these people to bring so much trash through more traffic and not feel any responsibility to keeping this newly developed woodland clean and litter free. You never see any of them out there cleaning it up. They have an opportunity to bring attention to the issue and support from a very supportive community just by the luxury of being a student at such a great university. I saw a billboard sign the day where Peyton Manning was telling us all that Fort Sanders had an exemplary heart team. How does his playing good football automatically make him an expert to trust when it comes to heart health? The advertising agency knows of the loyalty of this community to the sports and many other events offered by UT. My point is that the students would not have to look hard to find willing participants in at least keeping the area cleaned now that they have moved in. If you drive up the road from my house to Log Haven , they still have signs posted NO WOODLANDS. all over. They are faded but if you look close you can read the words. I have becomes very challenged by keeping company with her because of her blind eye to our environment over her desire to live somewhere for image. I surely was NOT going to be ok with her rent being paid by us after she chose not to sign up for classes this summer. We are to be stewards of the land. Every ancient script or text has written this very thing. When you could care less about the lawn at your curb and support companies who violently extract massive amounts of resources from our planet at astronomical rates then how can i expect to even balance on the same vibration as you? My husband doesnt stand up for the environment when she is around except for recycling. He plays into the matrix along with her and i am the oddball out if i choose to live by my persoanl standards. She had her shoes on and her feet were up on the couch when she visited. It was bothering me because i knew she would never unknowingly put her shoes up on anyone elses couch except for ours and even moreso she would most assuredly have enough mindfulness to not put her shoes up on her moms couch or her moms parents couch or her boyfriends parents couch. I could not tell her because in this matrix it would get turned around on me. LIfe is not about what happens to you but how you choose to react to it. I get this. I also feel though that there are standards one can expect and others support regarding this lack of mindfulness about our money, our home and our community.  I tried my very best to make cheerful conversation and show genuine interest though in my heart i was playing the game they all wanted me to play. obedient, dont ripple the waters by speaking of the elephant in the room wife/stepmom/mom/friend.etc. I think how i could do so much by giving away 600 dollars a month to Haiti where millions still live like shipwrecked foreigners on stormy beach. I think how in some way i could change the world if i could spend the money she frivolously spends on that condo , if i could buy food for victims of all the recent storms in the U.S. who lost power and food  for over a week.  I wanted to say please dont put your shoes on the couch but i knew that it would send my husband and my stepdaughter into their anxious state. I didnt feel my position would have been taken well by either of them though i am sure her boyfriend would have thought nothing of it. There is a growing epidemic of kids raised with a sense of entitlement and undeservedly so.  I am blessed to know that i have at least raised my children to know that they will only gain personal self fulfillment when you are doing things for yourself. If you want something then go for it and get it. If you are not willing to work for something then you do not deserve to have it. Whether they comply with this perspective throughout their lives is not yet known. Next time i will speak up and claim my space and not allow people to put shoes on my couch. I guess this is my lesson.