At some point, any intelligent human being must come to the realization that social media hot-spots like facebook and snapchat are more  illusion than reality. Have we become so disconnected with actual human beings that we believe their staged photos and uniform facial expressions on all their posts? People who often times are extremely shy in public, when alone with their phones they become arrogant and obsessed with selfies and suddenly endless hysterical moments begin to occur at  the exact moment the photo was taken. Make it a flawless photo then post it with a trendy hashtag and see how many likes you get. That is how awesome you are now…(47 likes awesome)
There is no disagree button . People quickly abandon any interest in anyone who expresses any disagreement with a statement they make because they can no longer cope with rejection of any kind. They didnt make the post for anyone to challenge the issue they put forth…it was posted however for you to like it. And all the other people who love your friend that you disagreed with on facebook suddenly rally together up in arms against you in defense of their friend So eager to defend the ego. Nearly 100% of the posts i see about peoples family is that they are all beautiful and amazing. Why? Your love for them maybe be beautiful and amazing but not EVERY child out there is. Most babies are cute but most are not beautiful. Many people have funny looking families but you love them but you tell them its beautiful. What about expressing the importance of activism, environmental responsibility and involvement? What about helping at the nursing home or helping single moms with babysitting needs?  What are the real priorities we are validating? Today’s teenager has spent every breath on this planet being told they are beautiful and amazing  and have had thousands and thousands of photos taken and uploaded of them since before they were born. HOw amazing are they when they just become these needy entitled , young adults with depression though blessed with more “things” than any human has had in the history of humans?  Today’s teens are less involved in community activism and volunteering and actual physical groups in the community like 4- H and campfire girls. People live in communities  with yards and even sidewalks yet noone is outside except when doing yardwork. You keep yards to never play in them yet you donot grow food or know much about your neighbors though you have lived beside them half your life and you take your dogs to the park but not your children. Does anyone else notice these things? Parents volunteer rate in every school across America has plummeted in the past 20 years. Most teens in America have a car paid for by someone else with insurance for that car paid for by someone else. Most of America’s youth do not have any savings whatsoever or a job yet they have a smartphone attached to a data plan. Raised and groomed their entire lives by parents who were also given more than they earned themselves, to be veracious consumers. So much so, that by the time  they graduate high school ,  they have endless access to the world wide web, ownership of some high-tech gaming system or computer device all  paid for by someone else yet no library card. They graduate high school at 18 but are not registered to vote. Most of them donot  vote or sew or tie knots or cook. Most high school graduates have no idea how to grow their own food and neither do their parents! If a major natural disaster were to hit, most people would not be able to make it without a local store or drive thru window to get food. This should  scare the hell out of us. A major epidemic as history has shown us , is inevitable especially in a day where the largest population of humans exist than ever before and should this occur in our lifetime, there would be riots when the store shelves went empty and the communities were all put on lockdown and quarantined off from one another. We have bought into the matrix. We are so disconnected by being connected to the  cyber highway. If we continue this way, any major event would cause utter chaos and needless suffering. We no longer know how to take care of ourselves. We all play a role in this endless cycle of chasing dreams  of grandeur and becoming less active in the community and in our families lives. Everyone learns that through social media, you can have more control over the responses  and reactions you seek from others. People no longer want truth or direction other than the one they are on and hiding behind an electronic device allows you a bravery to spout your impulsive thoughts without any risk of dealing with the repercussions of actual confrontation. In a sense it  is this way of cheating your way through actually dealing with others yet reaping rewards in your own reality as if you did. I saw a post the other day from a person on my friend’s list that espouses to a strong christian faith and for us all to love one another  no matter what. Yet her posts at times are sarcastic memes about how things that others  do are “gross”. I wanted to disagree with her , especially that particular post but i knew I would cause a shitstorm of responses in defense of her. This particular post was about places where there should be NO body hair and if there is than you are gross. I saw this post as similar to judging someone for wearing a hijab or a habit. Or women who wore jeans or modest gowns. We have far greater things in the nation to concern ourselves with than harshing on others for their own customs that harm noone else. I think that obesity issues of this nation are gross. Fat America raising fat kids are gross to me. But i am not going to post  memes about it even though it seems a valid issue that is grossly overlooked in this country.  Even if i was bold enough to enter into such a risky situation online by challenging her statement using the most carefully constructed words, i still would have broken a sacred social media oath which is  to defend the human ego all costs.  Challenging someones statement in todays world is no longer allowed . At best you can hope for is being one of the hundreds that want to say something but the strongest something is watching how few likes someone gets off a snarky post.Truth is not the goal and what is truth anymore?  If i had my way, i would like to encourage others to learn to take the opinions of others into consideration. Donot always be so quick to shoot someone down because your apple phone makes  it so easy for  you to do so. Sharing big events in your life is one thing, but nothing but thousands of pics of  you posing with the  same people all the time doing nothing but posing is embarrassing to watch.  You know your husband is funny looking but you truly love him. Your kid looks exactly like your  husband. He is funny looking, NOT gorgeous. Please stop America. You are NOT unique for being the 1.37 millionth person to post your hug with a Starbucks togo cup. Learn to develop who you ARE not what you look like  through the filters of your choosing. I think it would be great to have an app that all your friends and family could join but all the comments and such could be anonymous so people could really tell you what  they think of the blowhard always shoving his angry opinions or of the “know-it-all” we all have  on our friends lists.  Now is the time to promote important values about living in peace with everyone different than ourselves. Today is the day for tolerance towards those we donot understand. I am interested to know your thoughts?



“Let’s play” He says to me. “You’re the boss and I will do anything you say without wont or remorse…without question” “I am ready for my training.” A surge of adrenaline flows through me as he speaks.  “Hit me hard” He doesn’t mean to actually strike him but rather i should hold nothing back. I can tell he is serious and i believe him. “Ok” I say, but i wait til just the right time when the forces that control all that is beyond my control urge me to move. He is in front of me but standing back a short distance and in full view a glorious sight to behold. A tall man, with a strong physique from many  years of hard physical labor. A chiseled jawline and big full lips and a perfect smile. His long hair hangs there in full rebellion as if hoping to escape the confines of the mans scalp. The look of desire in his eyes tells me I have his full attention. Standing there face to face , this slight distance between us, the silence…..the waiting….I can hardly stand the tension.

“Approach me”I say to  him and he takes a few steps towards me. “Come into my space” as i say this he slowly makes one more move and he is as close as he can be without touching me. The desire between us is palpable. Barely over five feet tall, I am slightly overwhelmed by the energy of this man who is well over six feet tall. I look up at him and command him to kneel down. His eyes remain fixed upon mine and he obeys my orders and slowly lowers himself to the ground. I take in his scent as the air from above me descends behind him and it is electrifying as i stand before him inhaling his essence. Like a panther seducing her prey before she attacks and feasts on it, i move around him and breathe him into me. “Now i want you to undress” I can barely get the words out i am so intoxicated by his masculinity but he hears me and begins to unbutton his shirt. I move into the nape of his neck and take a deep breath in and try not to touch him as he removes the rest of his clothes. In this position of submission he continues to keep his gaze upon me. I am standing slightly above him now and I can see that he is throbbing hard. I can feel the air pass between us and its electric. He begins to breathe me into him and my nipples quickly engorge as my heart rate increases…pumping blood through me faster…heating me up.The hair allover my body stands on end in full attention of his breath ON and around me. I love this tease. My mouth begins to water and the surface of my entire body begins to tingle as i absorb his energy and let it spark against me. I kneel down in front of him and sit down on my feet and spread my bent legs …thighs seperate wide and i sit back. Sitting before him i admire every line, every curve. These moments are the moments i live for. The closeness, the craving, the calm before the storm. I take his warm hand into mine and and pull it towards me and slide his fingers under my dress, between my legs and across the opening of my lips. The chi in his hands is so powerful as he caresses the edges of my soft lips  that i tense and juice flows from me onto his fingers. A profound fire ignites between us as i take one of his fingers and slowly push it up inside me. It is soo warm and wet inside me that he lets out a moan and the deeper he pushes , the wetter he makes me. He then very slowly pulls himself back out and the energy moves down away from me and towards him. My hips cannot help but begin to grind as we sit there on the floor facing one another. He is so fucking sexy and hard and the blood pumping through him makes his lips red and swollen. His eyes are dilated and he is so close to me i can tell his mouth is watering too. He takes his wet finger and brings it to his nose to breathe in my wet aroma. I take it back and put it into my mouth gently sucking off my own creamy sex. Warm wet finger meets warm wet mouth and as i taste myself i am so charged i feel as if i could cream right there splayed out in front of him still grinding my hips. (to be continued)

Sacred Contracts…

I am reading a book by Carolyn Myss right now called Sacred Contracts. 135 pages in, I am started to ask myself questions regarding all the contracts I may have made before this journey(my life) began. All the people i encounter in my life whether a moment in passing, or any relationship i have with anyone else..could it all really be happening just so we learn strengths and knowledge from eachother? If we believe we are more than just nothing than we must recognize that there is a purpose to all of this living.We do not have to know the whole of things but knowing there is purpose brings meaning to life. I have often had the feeling that i am still not “remembering” that purpose which i am supposed to be “remembering”.  There is this urgency within me that feels like i have so much still to do and i am moving too slowly in my spiritual awareness. At the same time i feel an imminence to something incredible about to happen. Like the moment is just right and if i do not figure it out i may miss the chance! This book has definately opened me up more to possibility. I am more willing to consider things i never would imagine twenty years ago. I am still amazed that twenty years have passed and i am still passionate about finding out this big secret that haunts me. Carolyn mentions that we have the power to choose how every transaction in our life will go. Regardless how another party may react or respond or even receive us,we can still choose either a positive or negative transaction between one person or another. When i started reading this book i put it down. I kept it for years and moved a few times taking the book along with me. Timing is everything because its like the book called out to me. After all these years i knew i had to make reading this book a priority.  The other day i came across the realization that i do have so much personal power i never realized. Like a light went on inside me. I was thinking about relationships in my life that were wearisome to me on some levels. It seemed no matter how much effort i made to connect or to be kind, others refused see me or my light. I needed to realize that i cannot make anyone like me. I had to let go of me ego being wounded over the idea that somebody DIDNT like me. I think of the idea of interacting as a grand plan for learning and growing with everyone around me now. I think of how i may have had more influence in how various interactions played out for the better if i had known not to take things so personally. I began to see how i truly want better relations with some people.My desire for this allowed me to consider that i had more power to change this if only i would consider the possibility. I never want to be someone who thinks they have all the answers figured out or that i am more “right” than everyone else. so i do try to evaluate my position in any instance that might feel unpleasant to me regarding an exchange with myself and someone else.  Someone once told me that the bravest and most wise act one can do in their life is to consider the possibility of being “wrong” no matter how obvious your position of “right” seems to be. I rejected this statement at first. I felt that some things you just “know” that you are right , therefore, the other person MUST be wrong. Over the years i tested the theory and found myself surprised by the grey areas of life that can make anyone “wrong” no matter how right BOTH parties might be. When having this revelation about my power..it came to me when thinking about how hard i try and sometimes feel like no matter how great my efforts, some people are just choosing for no good reason not to be nice to me or like me. They have chosen to see me as they want or need to. I realized that i can do nothing about that. But i could choose to be nice regardless of how others might choose to be unkind to me at all costs. I began to look at the way i have reacted and allowed relationships to evolve based upon my choices of behavior.  Sure, my stepdaughter could continue to be subliminally unkind and unaccepting of me.  Even if it made me feel bad as time went by i always had the choice to be nice and open. I kind of wished i had seen this way sooner. I looked at the drama that unfolded when my husband and i got engaged and i realized that no matter what happened i couldve always chosen to be joyful and positive . I could have at any point chosen to remain strong and joyful and loving and unaffected by unpleasant experiences.I did not always choose this. Accepting that i needed nothing in return to extend a positive part of me to others prompted me to let go of my wounded ego and text my stepdaughter in gratitude for her christmas gift this past year.I added that i was “lucky to know her” and she received me warmly and texted a loving response back to me.  I felt suddenly how powerful this effort i had made was on improving the energy between my stepdaughter and myself, I had an epiphany.When i think about how things may have gone had i been the only one to remain positive and kind throughout the drama relating to the melding of our families , i imagined it still would have been a better transaction than me allowing my personal feelings to hinder my own power to influence the vibe of everyone!! Make sense? I know that there abides a natural charisma and loving demeanor within the spirit of me. In everyone.In this moment, i now wonder how much more fun and laughter we could have had if i had realized how influential my choices and power truly were even then! Its as if i am having to DEPROGRAM all the illusions fed to me over the years. No matter how gloomy things may seem, a continuous feed of optimism and kindness eventually wins over anyones animosity or sour mood. Most people cannot continue to randomly attact another person for no reason if  the other person just stands there refusing to fight.We play these games in our own mind that convince us that we have experienced these times often enough or cumulatively to be able to predict the end result will not produce anything good. The truth is, we should never be too sure. Of how we see things. Even if we are right today, we could be very wrong about the exact same thing a year from now. Change is time is everything. It is time we embraced change for the force it is within us all. If you have decided a hundred times to attempt peace with someone and they still reject you, continue to be peaceful.maybe your contract with them is that they are reminded of peace through your behavior even if it means a lack of peace momentarily for you by their interaction with you? Maybe their contract with you is to remind you or test you for where you are at this juncture of your journey? Maybe you both need something from eachother to prepare for future situations later on in your life? Maybe you were there to show them love they desperately needed .Whether that person rejected your love or not the transaction(contract) was meant to take place? If you know YOU did not create YOU, then you know someone or something did. In your creation there are  THOUGHTS. They had to have come from somewhere or programmed within your creation so there must be some validity to thoughts in general. Whatever thoughts you have or that pass through your mind….consider that they are there for a reason.Did you create them yourself? Or were you given the capacity to manufacture new thought all on your own? Or is it a little of both? Thought, therefore , the force that it is, in its entirety could be considered”right” And no thought could possibly be considered wrong. All things begin with thought afterall. One might ask, “violent thoughts are good and right?” Whether the dark side of things is in existence to show us the divide between light and dark or for other reasons, we as humans, sometimes choose the darkside. Again if it were not meant to be, why would it be here? Is that person who chooses violence or harm to others worse of a human? Perhaps they were involved in an opportunity for growth or strength and they missed the opportunity and chose the less harmonious path? I see why we learn of words like mercy and grace.  I know i have missed my chance to learn or gain from someone elses transaction with me. I know there were times when i could have learned more patience and did not choose to do so. But i know my heart and that i am good and that there is light inside of me.  I choose not to believe that others who seem to chose more darkness than harmony are just bad apples. For even “bad apples” are naturally moving in a manner that will oneday feed and nourish the Earth for more things to grow. There is nothing bad about that. I encourage anyone to read this book. Since we all can choose the light or the dark or the grey then we must trust that we all have the potential for good things . Even if we do not see the fruit of those good things produced in the world or when they do. Read this book. I am paying attention now and considering that i have carried many things with me that no longer serve me.  Including my old thoughts and beliefs. I am excited to read more and I feel something from within side of me opening up. I have already gained so much through readig “Sacred Contracts” . I hope to improve my performance in my contracts to everyone around me and live more mindfully regarding the journey of everyone else as well. My contract with them even if brief and other contracts i have yet to experience. I had more written but the internet just stole it. I was expressing my sudden change in the way i looked at the world around me. Every interaction had the potential for something joyful and positive. I started hearing the words from this book being read back to me throughout my day like something bigger than me magically tried to remind me. A voice my mind created for Carolyn a woman i never met or heard before? Or the voice of my own intuition finally coming forth? It would make sense that i was unfamilar with the voice of my own intuition. I spent so much time being distracted i allowed myself to get caught up in the matters of this world instead of developing my relationship with my own intuition. That intuition which is NOT susceptible to worldly influence and ego. Intuition remains steadfast waiting for each of us to listen. I wish there were apps for smartphones that would allow you to swipe past any crowd and light up colors over each person to tell us how much burden they carry. Red would be the highest in severity. Perhaps it would help remind us that we are all the same and all in need of mercy and compassion? I hope to unfold more each day to the better parts of me aching to burst forth. Til that app is invented then maybe this can be your reminder? It surely is mine:) A MUST read. namaste

What i really want to say….

I want to talk about sex. Wow. Loaded opening line eh? A great topic for this lovely consumeristic holiday called Valentine’s Day. It is true. But it may not mean exactly what you think.  I am making this grand leap here in this moment to recommit myself to blogging but also to open up the dialogue regarding sex.  There is so much that is not being talked about yet we are expected to have mastered it genetically like dogs and innately knowing how to swim.  I did not have as most people have not had a relationship that allowed for such conversation to take place. Yet, how can one learn valuable insight and experience when noone will talk about sex? Even the military requires a soldier to pass down what they know to soldier behind them. When was the birth of this unspoken knowingness that we all have questions throughout our development as sexual human beings that we want to ask but should not ask anyone??  When my eldest daughter was in middle school i braved a bold conversation about masterbation with her in order to help open her mind to explore herself first before worrying about the upcoming teenage hormonal magnetism she was about to face between herself and the opposite sex. I was hoping it would help her see that she could talk to me when she had already learned that most parents could not be talked to about anything. As a single mother i wanted to protect them by giving them knowledge that might save their life even if only opening a door to talk about things. Most parents have no idea that their children lose their virginity at preteen and early teen years these days. It was not easy talking to my daughter about masterbation. My theory at the time was to help my daughter  find a focus that was also a distraction from exploring her sexual curiosities with a boy and risk bigger issues. The teen pregnancy rate in high school is astronomical. I would be willing to place a fat wager on i rapid decline in high school pregnancies if our children had a natural knowledge and perspective on the “orgasm”. In order to dispel the negative stigma behind sexual knowledge I had to open up a discussion in my household about sex. I began using humor when referring to topics that were modest in nature.  I had to pretend i was that person all along who was comfortable about talking more openly about such matters. Even if my daughter  thought i was crazy or i embarrassed her she had a foundation to work with in her mind that was not just her own regarding sexual desire and self discovery. I hated how the media portrayed sex.  I wanted my girls  to have a healthier idea about themselves and their sexuality than i did.  I had begun around that time to express some bolder statements about sexuality and our bodies. I was a single mother of three lovely daughters and I wanted to find a way to dispel the mystery and voodoo about talking through the curiosities, the changes our bodies go through, the concerns or questions that arise at different times in our lives, etc etc.  I did not ever talk to my mother when my period started. when i had excruciating cramps in middle school every month from my cycle, i suffered for hours in silence and shamefully hid my struggles all throughout my development until i was emancipated as a teenager.  Foster care was a much better environment for me to find more freedom to be me but again noone ever spoke outloud as my authority figures about any of my physical development. and certainly about sexuality.ever.  Even today just beginning my forties, there are questions i have about my body and what to expect as i get older.  There is not a personal connection today between doctors and patients to confide about important concerns i may have.  Even if i like my doctor i am surely not going to begin a conversation about orgasms and signs to look for in monitoring my body for changes that most inevitably take place as i eventually mature into menopausal years. Whats sex like? Even if the majority population of elderly no longer engage in a sexual life, what can i expect to experience? I have never had a candid conversation with any of my female friends about sex and my body or theirs.I take that back. One time during a late shift at work while out on a break, several of my coworkers who had become very good friends with over the years, someone started a conversation about sex. One of them made jokes about “faking the orgasm” then one by one each female chimed in with a joke or an affirmation regarding the necessity of “faking it”.  As we were all giggling and making light, i spoke up and declared this to be new knowledge for me. Everyone pretty much “booed” me in denial that i NEVER faked an orgasm. “What?” i asked them. “I did not even know i was SUPPOSED to”. Again everyone burst out in laughter. this was the first and only real sexual conversation i had in my life with other women about sex. I found at times it was easier to have such conversations with men oddly enough…If you were dating them and you were ready for the next phase of the relationship, it was a welcome conversation between man and woman to talk about sex. The more interesting you made the conversation only further inspired the suitor “so to speak” to  explore the sexuality between you and him. I have had some insightful and interesting conversations with men about sex and their perspective regarding women and how women behave or appear from where they stand on the subject.  I must say that women are listening too much to strangers on talk shows and missing a great deal about how men really are. But mothers do not share with daughters a thoughtful approach to raising the sexual side of their humanism or their sons for that matter.Teens get punished for getting caught engaging in sexual activity , something that is so natural it is with them since before birth! Yet NOONE tells them WHAT to expect! Why would you want some teacher who is a virtual stranger to your child , why would you want them to teach your child about health and our sexuality? It is hard being a parent. But some circumstances cannot be taken lightly. I want to change this twisted illusion of sexuality for my children and the future of our everchanging world.  Perhaps it begins here?I would rather people think i am crazy or vulgar (will try to use the best sensitivity regarding the use of language as possible but some words may be inadvertently remain a bit shocking)than to perpetuate this blind obedience to the negative connotations surrounding our natural sexual being. I hope to speak of things that so many others want to also better understand but have no outlet to reach that greater understanding. I have many questions myself i shall endeavor to resolve and can only hope that i have given something good and positive to others. I hope to hear from others with more questions we all want answers to but are afraid to ask. I eagerly welcome and excitedly anticipate insight from other women who have already experienced what i have yet to.  With their insight and experience , i can accomplish on some level my goal of a more sincere and mindful effort to giving our future generations a more beautiful , powerful and a more positive self image in their journey of sexuality. Aho!

I would like to begin this  journey by talking about pleasure.   What is pleasure? If pleasure exists, and we know it does…why does it exist? Surely, there must be a reason.  Throughout history control has been maintained over the general population through pleasure of the denying of pleasure. One might also say that placing moral judgements around acts of pleasure is also method for  controlling people. As hard as it is to believe at times, people are innately good. Most of us have a conscience and we feel bad when we do not live up to the standard our conscience sets up for us. For the most part, we as a human race desire to be good people. It brings us pleasure to feel the goodness within us. This continuous journey for the pleasure of goodness makes us easy prey for being controlled by greedy people who find pleasure in controlling through power, wealth and whatever means comes to mind.  Even if your mind tries to convince your body that you feel nothing, if ever stroked or massaged in or around the erogenous areas of the body, you cannot convince your body not to feel the pleasure. You cannot easily or instantly shutoff or deny the nerve reactions that promote arousal throughout your body. That is often why victims of sexual crimes struggle so intensely through recovery as they experience extreme shame and guilt from the reaction their body goes through during an unwelcome sexual violation.  Violators often use this as a fear tactic for controlling victims into silence.” You know you liked it. I could tell you liked it and i will tell everyone you wanted it and that you liked it.” Make them feel guilty for pleasure they did not seek and you can often guarantee that the shame they feel will keep them silent. Pleasure is a powerful force. How can something so powerful be so easily manipulated and morally judged? Even without our permission our body can feel pleasure.  My point is that pleasure is natural. Too much pleasure may not be beneficial and may even become harmful and toxic but too much of anything can be hazardous. I feel that it is time to put an end to control and mass conformity through distortion of all that is natural within us.  I feel if we can better understand and accept our own pleasure than we can equip ourselves with tools for coping and developing into strong confident and positive people. I personally feel that if we can learn to pleasure ourselves than we do not develop into people expecting to find our pleasure only in others or through others.  When my babies were very little and i would read them stories in their bedroom , they would at different times grab their own body parts as naturally as some babies suck  their thumbs. How can such tiny creatures so quickly stumble upon sexual pleasure even before they are verbal if it were something sinful or wrong or bad? This thought came to me when my first baby discovered herself and a new way to pacify herself she had not learned through outside sources. I remembered a circumstance when i was a small girl. My mom was babysitting two young girls for her friend and they were supposed to take an afternoon nap. My mom was a mean lady and even though she was giving me a break by freaking out on these little girls , I still felt bad for them. she woke one of them up from her nap on the floor to yell at her and call her a nasty little girl for having her hands between her legs while she napped. This little girl was not even awake and yet my mom felt some twisted need to find some kind of remedy for her own perverted view of the situation by waking this four year old child up from her nap to ridicule her for something she was not even aware that she was doing.  I was only about ten or eleven years old myself but yet i understood the dysfunctional perspective my mother was promoting upon this innocent little girl. My mind naturally understood the innocence of it all and of my little baby and her new discovery of herself. Pleasure. It can be an explosive empowering force if carefully and mindfully maintained or a  dangerous force if used for the wrong reasons or carelessly and/or selfishly hastened into. But a natural part of life itself is pleasure no matter how you want to look at it. Just like tastebuds though, it  is also important to properly train and educate the body, the mind and the spirit about pleasure in order to further a healthy sexual perspective about your own body and of others.  In todays society however, the more corporations can make the average consumer feel inadequate or inferior, the greater the people desire then demand for good feelings such as pleasure to replace these feelings of inadequacy.  Once this mission is accomplished then you are now enslaved to their controlling forces and will faithfully buy whatever they are selling to overcome every judgemental fallibility the consumer world convicts you of.  Indulging into anything for any extended period of time can become a distraction from our higher purpose as well. However do not be mistaken that pleasure as a valid place in our lives. Know within yourself that pleasure is as natural as breathing and blinking. Not just sexual pleasure. If we can better accept the natural place pleasure in general has in our life then we can open ourselves up to a better understanding of everyone and we can perhaps alleviate the need to place judgements on our natural self. It brings me great pleasure to do nice things for other people. Am i better than others for being this way? Or  Is it selfish to do nice things for others because it gives pleasure to do so? Even if we battle within ourselves to help someone who challenges our kindness and generosity regularly, and have become resigned to help once again….we come to this final decision based  up the relief we seek to find within ourselves to resolve the request of assistance . This may not offer us pleasure to create the resolution and help the constantly needy person, but we help because we want to take away the DISPLEASURE we feel within ourselves by NOT helping. We judge others as uncaring and heartless if they are able to avoid the magnetic force the conscious can play on our hearts regarding helping others in constant need. Keep us feeling bad or remind us of all the LACK of pleasure in our life and we as a human population will offer our whole lifetime in obedience to your vast remedies for this lack of pleasure. Let us challenge ourselves to change the way we think regarding pleasuure and perhaps we can begin to change the way we teach others about what is a natural part of our existence. We cannot get here on this planet unless one person experiences the ultimate in sexual pleasure. without at least ONE orgasm we will not further human life.(other than unnatural medical intervention that is) If we begin once again to look at one another in a more  acceptable and natural view then we can change  our ways of behaving towards one another and our ways of treating each other towards a more positive reality. I wonder if others think of the things i do in these ponderings? There will always be debates about what is healthy and unhealthy pleasure and who is to judge ; but simply considering a new  way offers an empowering opportunity for us to step outside of thoughts fed to us by others and it allows us to see people for what our own minds and hearts naturally reveal.  Ever heard of the saying”let ME be the judge of that”?  It truly is a better path than trusting just anyone, even peers around you. whether you know them or not how efficient is your own gauge of others working if you continuously consult people you do not even know to determine what is acceptable and what is not? Pleasure. Imagine all they way we feel pleasure.emotional, psychological, mental, physical, perhaps even spiritual. Pleasure (or the desire to eliminate DISPLEASURE)drives us and motivates us in every facet of our lives. I think its important to begin our dialogue and our ponderings here because we have become so distorted by the ill or selfish intentions of greater entities controlling of the general population that our misguided views on pleasure have taken us away from accepting ourselves and others for the natural way we are. Consider letting go of the outdated practice of assuming that the behavior of others is up for moral judgement because it differs from your own behavior and of those you are accustomed to.Even one persons acceptance and optimistic view of another can transform a person and their own self image through this one act of acceptance. One little ray of light in someone else’s life can change the world for all the generations to come. We have already seen how all the negative actions have affected the world around us and will continue to affect us for generations to come.  If you feel the connectedness of all things then you appreciate the powerful affect we as individuals have on each other and the world as a  whole. If all you ever do is eat macaroni and cheese your whole life, aside from a poor digestive system you will have stunted your palette into only understanding the flavor of cheese and noodles. Everything else you introduce your taste buds to will seem foreign. the unfamiliarity affects your brains ability to understand new flavors and textures.  Your taste sensations have become stunted for lack of being subjected to a variety of flavors. The brain must learn to appreciate different types of food in order to learn to react properly for healthy digestion. The better understanding we have or different taste sensations the more opportunity for our mouth to learn to salivate for a variety of flavors; an action necessary for proper digestion. This same way of thinking can even be applied to considering new ideas regarding all facets of our life. the more we consider different perspectives the more opportunity we allow in our lives to see that there are many different ways to be and live and think and that there is not only one RIGHT way. Many rivers flow differently with a wide variety of twists and turns but yet they all eventually pour into the same big ocean. many paths can lead to the same place. The diversity in all the different journeys only adds to the richness of our existence. Consider pleasure and all the ways we voluntarily and involuntarily experience pleasure. If we can better understand this and how much we do Not know regarding the experiences of others, maybe we can be the change the world needs. Towards more tolerance and less harsh judgement and criticism  of others for being a different flavor than we are.


Recently moving to private duty nursing i picked up a new client out west. His three sons were all brought together because Harry fell and ended up in the hospital for a few weeks.  When i met him he had just returned to his studio apartment at the assisted living facility where he had called home for the past four years. He was pretty grumpy when i first met him but i have had much experience over the years with many behaviors regarding the elderly. I was used to it.  His sons were nervous as we all four sat around Harry and tried to begin a first visit.  Harry cannot hear very well but other than short term memory lapses , he is sharp as a tac even in his 90’s. Clearly his kids are not real close to him because they are all at a loss as to what to talk about. This only adds to the tension. I was told that just a week before i was sitting there in Harry’s room with him, he had to have all three sons there to lift him out of bed just to use the bedside commode. I was impressed to see that other than moving slowly he seemed to have recovered remarkably well in one week.After a short visit briefly chatting with the sons , I  told Harry i would come by from time to time to see how he was doing. That was several weeks ago and i do believe we are now beginning to make a connection between us. I am noticing that more than anything i think he likes to know that someone is thinking of him and has intentions of visiting him . This is just a guess but it seems as though he really just didn’t want  to feel invisible anymore.  He was lonely.From short talks we have had thus far i see that he may not remember if he ate lunch two hours prior yet he remembers every name, every date, every detail of WWII and his time in the U.S. Marine Corps. he remembers every date of every major change in his life from job to college to marriage.  Everyone he was friends with and most of his family have all died. He has outlived his wife by almost two decades. So he sits for long periods of time in his room watching marathons of Law and Order. My FAVORITE tv series ever! How lucky did i feel when i started making regular visits to see Harry and get to sit and watch LandO with him and get paid for it?? haha. Well, it is truly never that simple. Harry doesn’t allow me to help him much. I think he thinks i am just some lonely housewife coming to see him to find purpose. 🙂 The sons are paying me out of their own pockets. They felt he might resent me being there if he knew he was paying me. I am not sure how much family can really empathize with their loved ones in a situation like Harry’s. But i know for me that losing all my independence and some of my mobility, my hearing and all my familiar faces in my life would take a hard toll on my demeanor.  I would hope not but really he is just a greatly misunderstood man. He has the reputation for blessing out every staff member and resident in his assisted living facility. The family was nervous that he would be forced to move out and then they would not know what to do with him. It does not feel like me being there is all that grand but i am learning how much it means to Harry. I just pretend i am there to stop in and say hello. I crochet when visit and offer up myself as a listening ear if he wishes to talk but most of the time he just watches the television set. He did get excited oneday and started telling me for four solid hours about being a marine and being in the war itself.His face lit up. He just seemed to come alive and i was astounded at all the dates he could recall about every occurrence all those years ago. We went through his book he saved throughout his days as a marine. I am a history lover and this felt like a rare joy to get to sit next to such an interesting man who had so much to offer in the way of history. I felt so lucky to be sitting there listening to Harry. I knew i had definately made a difference that day for him.  Early the next morning i get a call and to my surprise its Harry. He told me that a few of his dinner buddies were gonna come by to watch a dvd on WWII and could i bring some beer when i come? I was quite amused. I knew he had every right to it as he was in his own right mind .  I happily agreed to bring some. As life goes , i was late getting there due to tree service blocking traffic in both directions all down his road. When i arrived he was visibly upset and disappointed.  He mentioned i was late and quickly added that his buddies never showed. He was crushed. Like the life and color just drained from him. I realized how much he was looking forward to this time of reminscing with other military branches from his day.  I promised myself not to be so late next time and to remember how much these visits help him even more than he realizes.   He has not yet jumped my case about anything and i greatly respected the energy he used to refrain from blowin up at me like i know he wanted to that day. the past few times i have been there i think of things i could kind of bribe him for his good side and try to bring them. I showed him my wooden utensils i make for our small home business and i had his pants resized to fit him. Of course now he likes me. 🙂 I thought last week that if he liked me too much it might be too easy for him to use me as his verbal punching bag.  I resolved to not worry about it now.    My last visit there he expressed his great appreciation for goin out and buying him hotdogs (im a vegan who advocates against hotdogs yet at his age i opted to give him whatever he desires) and for all my time with him and he said he wished to buy me dinner to the place of my choosing. Wow. I was so honored. I really had done well since that unfortunate cocktail hour that didnt happen. I bring him hot tea and Dean Martin on cd and sit and watch hours of Law and Order with him and now i get dinner with this precious old man! I am not sure who is blessed more by this connection . Harry or me?

What i would really say…..(Profane language!!!)

Why is the ego so strong? It seems we spend more energy dealing with our own ego and the ego of others than truly living.  We are also too caught up in this human adventure.  We spend more time on the expectations of our society and the world around us than living in the trueness of ourselves. We are NOT humans!!! We are Spirits having a human experience. What happened long ago that we forgot this??? Are we really the ignorant race our ancestors , believe us to be? We are all one. I know this . I believe this. Religion has really fucked up the unity between all of mankind. Its all good you know. One should NEVER be too sure of anything.  Only the most magical of things are revealed within the faith of the unknown. Sometimes, I feel so right i am bursting with excitement at new revelation as it finds me in my path!  Then i dare consider that i could be wrong in my 99.999% rightness and suddenly , my whole life changes. By some miraculous force, I am shown a new way, a new view of things, a new possibility waiting to be considered.   The greatest struggle is living in a world where noone else wants to consider this as well. Look people, we seriously are all intelligent creations. its all a magical beauty unfolding within all of us. Unless more consider this possibility, we are all forced to evolve on our own and face a greater struggle living among people who refuse to consider that anything is possible. I swear its like the power of the “Nothing”. In the movie, The NeverEnding Story, this force overcomes everything by the lack of faith our world exhibits. All we have to do is dream and believe that its always possible to be better. Why argue against it when its clear we are all here? why are we here if not for some reason? It would seem the force that divides us from mechanical practicality and profound beings is the identification of emotions and our ability to Love.  It is truly the ego that prevents us from really considering the complete oneness that we all belong to. WTF!!! My ego makes me angry. I recognize my ego and the ego in others. I do not wish to relate to others from this avenue. I want to truly share myself with others and to let them know that i realize i am here to brighten up others lives and to be a positive force among those i encounter throughout my life. I feel like a fucking alien though when trying to go about my business affairs in my everyday life and the world seems to be completely overtaken by their egos. I am exhausted from battling the day to day  vibrations of a mass population of humans who have succumbed to the robotic programming of our society. It is truly not important how others see you. Be totally yourself and the rest will work itself out ya know? NOone is better than another. Believe what you want but our skill level does not define our level of deservedness of love or respect. Everyone has a path. Some are here to shine their light among the other blue collar workers at the cleaning company they work for. Some of us are here to be vagabonds adding joy to lives all across the globe to where they travel. Some of us are here to soften the hearts of people who have been buried in insecurity and loneliness though seemingly to the outside world sharply dressed and successful in all counts of the standards of the western culture.  Some of us are here to drive people crazy yet instill strength and determination in the sufferers themselves so that in the future of their path they can stand strong in the face of adversity when they need their strength the most. My point is that I realize their is a reason why every good thing, every seemingly horrific thing and every insignificant event is meant to take place. We may not know why or when we shall understand the reasoning why such things happen. Perhaps it is not meant for us to know ever???? Keeping this open minded view of never being completely right no matter how absurd the possibility of being wrong is, can truly offer an ability to tap into a harmony that one might never consider.   The toughest part is not being able to truly be honest with others as the risk of wounding their ego is at an alltime high. It is unreal. Adults refuse to raise their children right or rebuke them as needed because they are too busy protecting their own ego by wrecklously defending defending their own ego through their children.   It is an epidemic of epic proportions.  My ego gets impatient and irritated at the pace of the evolving of others. How absurd is that? I want to be in harmony at all times but i feel overwhelmed at intesnsity of the egos all around me and instead of holding my ground i flare up my own ego and get all feisty only slowing the progress even further. Speaking for myself , when those moments arrive i want to hit my head against a wall when i grow weary of the dealing with the inundation of others. the banal conversation that only shows they have let their ego be the auto pilot of the journey.  AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!clearly this outburst of emotion is my ego feeling exasperated . Probably a good thing. the irony of this entire blog is that this is nothing close to what i was originally intending on saying. I have literally taken a complete divergent path on this expression of my learning. Wanting to elaborate more but duties are calling me away from my computer. I can only hope that all of us can see the beauty in each other and exercise the patience required to help awaken the magic in each other and ultimately defeating the ego all together. May you all consider your part you are playing even without realizing it in the lives of everyone around you. Even strangers. Why are where here? To be better? To race others to the head of the line in the world of consumerism?  To be prettier? more fit? successful?(what is the true definition of that anyway?) Are we better than each other? Perhaps we are not so right on this perspective and we have just chosen a more joyful path? Or perhaps we have chosen a better life but only by randomly uncovering something through the curiosities of our journey?? Everyone is magnificent. They would not be here if it were not meant to be. We just bury our magnificence with all kinds of shit and ugliness and dissension and anger and fear and EGO. But deep down where it really counts…..its their. The real you and me. We know this and we dream of this. We are all perfection. It has been an old campaign to lead us to believe otherswise that has distracted us from the truth that is mapped in our very DNA. Let it go for a minute everyone. … The impatience…the road rage…the frustration…See them for the perfection they are…everyone around you…they will suddenly see others the same way. what is there to lose? Your ego??? one can only hope.

Talkin to myself again…

There wasn’t anything eventful about the first time i met him really. His quick acknowledgement of my presence upon our being introduced and he immediately turned back to the truck he was working on for my new boyfriend. I always get the impression that it was raining or just close to sunset but i do not recall all these years later.  His little boy poked his head out for a second too.  What a beautiful little kid.  I do not really remember how much time passed before we really started to talk to each other as friends. He came around fairly regularly as he was a jack of all trades kind of guy and could be called upon for all sorts of repair jobs . Especially automobiles. He is more of a hippie type who doesn’t hold down a regular job. He Has some property and has been trying to create his homestead since he moved there shortly after we met. I like that about people. I like the courage and assertiveness they exhibit to claim their life as they choose. He has very strong convictions as i do about the environment and the quality of our food and big money,etc.

I think the first time i really remember connecting with him was when i was in Knoxville and my relationship was going extremely well. My boyfriend wanted to build onto his house to make more room for me and my three daughters.  I was excited about this positive turn of events in my life after years and years of struggle raising children without the support of their daddy.  I was not enjoying being single for so long. I wanted to share my life with someone. I loved the idea of knowing someone was waiting at home for me. I hated going home alone day in and day out and worrying if some strangers were aware that i was gone alot and then home alone alot. Often i would call my friends just to have someone on the phone with me while i entered my dark home and checked all the rooms to  be sure noone had been hiding. I left my job and became a “foreman” of sorts on the new addition construction that was beginning. I left my job and would spend all day overseeing the construction then return home every other night when i had my daughters. We lived an hour away. Being there all day allowed me to handle the dealings with all the workers that were there daily working on different projects. He happened to be there one particular day to work on one of the several cars that my boyfriend owned.  I was in the office when i saw him pull in the drive.  I went out to greet  him. He seemed kind of shy. I noticed that he didnt make alot of eye contact back then. But we struck a conversation about Monsanto companies and Big Oil and we just clicked. As we got more excited about our conversation we would talk louder and faster. It was a natural occurrence. But it seemed the more often he came over to help us with work projects the more our talks would evolve to those big topics we both had so many convictions about. I started to take notice of who this man really was. I was in a fabulous relationship with a man who had a great job and still appreciated the importance of remaining humble and good stewards of the land. he valued the same things as well.

It wasn’t like i was beginning to have feelings for my new friend. Was I? I had so much distraction in my life regarding all the changes that i didn’t recognize whether or not there was something between us. It just seemed like a naturally budding friendship with a kindred spirit. My life was really exploding with abundance and blessings that i didn’t really think beyond the cool connection we found.  Why would i? Head over heels in love with a new home being built and soon after i would find myself engaged and married by the time the house project was near its completion. I love talking to him though and i looked forward to when i would get the chance to vibe with him about the things so important to both of us. The truth is , that i was consumed by those convictions. I was what you might consider overzealous about it. He was too. It was something you do not get to find everyday. Most people talked about the common issues around the community or regular jabber about the latest goings on regarding primetime television programming.. I didn’t care about that stuff and so it left me little to offer and frankly little interest in conversation with most people around me outside of friendly courtesies.  It was noticeable that i had a strong connection beyond even my own awareness with M.  Even my fiance’ could tell. I didn’t think anythinng of it because i was so caught up in the life that was unfolding before me. I had no reason to look or pay attention to him as i might have  all those years required back when i was single.  One day he arrived and i went outside to greet him and in our conversation it just so happened that i asked his birthday and it happened to be the day before. I had been freinds with him over a year and i didn’t even know his birthday? I felt bad because he put his head down and seemed sad as if it had passed with no acknowledgement from anyone. I also learned that day that we were the same age.

Over time i would randomly call M for advice on computer stuff or to find a calm perspective when something goin on in the world bothered me so bad i could hardly stand it and he would listen or offer advice on how best to deal.  I loved having a friend like him who not only appreciated my concerns but felt the same way and believed as i did about wanting to expand our shared vision to the world around us.

I noticed that he never dated. I never saw him with a woman. I was struck by this and very surprised because most men do not seem to care about much beyond the banal lives they lead. This man is willing to do without, live and struggle in order to live outside of the mainstream way of life. He grew his own food. He was building his own house and trying to build a company that recycled veggie oil for automobile fuel.  He started a Vegan club via email to try to stay connected to other like minded health conscious individuals. He homeschooled his son and chose homeopathic approaches to his health needs and for his sons. He celebrated the natural woman and loved and advocated that women love themselves from a natural perspective. Most men are so easily hypnotized by big boob jobs and fake nails and fake tans and streaked hair and waxed EVERYTHING.  It surprised me that a man as knowledgeable and earth loving and health minded and natural as he was could actually be available!  I did make a conscious mental note and perhaps even audible remark about how I cannot believe i meet this guy NOW! I didn’t feel disappointed. It was more of an observation. Even now when i think about it i find it comical.  I would think of him and wish i knew of a single woman good enough to introduce him to.  I knew alot of single women but i didn’t feel they deserved a chance a guy this awesome because from where i stood they would not appreciate what he has to offer.

I had known him for almost two years before i ever went over to his house. His place is just a few minutes away from where i live. I was very excited to finally see where he lived after so long . It was really neat. Just a few acres of land but several large buildings with half finished projects all over the place. It was exciting to see all these projects in the works. to see that there was someone else other than myself that valued a self sustaining way of life. Many people in my social circle may talk about it but most do not actually walk the walk like he was.  You could tell it surprised him that we were all excited to be there and that we all thought his place was awesome. My two younger daughters were there with me also. They also thought he was totally awesome as was his new homestead.  There was one little thought that creeped into my head that day about how crazy this all was that my vision was unfolding in his life.  I did actually think to myself “I totally would have been open to this guy had i met him when i was single!”

I love my husband. I love the way he makes me laugh, and his warm affection i receive daily. I love how smart he is and resourceful. He is an incredible lover and had a heart of gold always trying to give of himself to everyone. He is hilarious and brave. He has a great ass and a perfect smile . He is the best kisser i have ever known.  he totally respects women. He tries harder than any man i know at everything he ventures into. He adores me. He is generous and kind. He is not perfect and he is very messy but he is a rare gem in this world. I am so very lucky to have his love and share a beautiful life together with him.  I say all this because though i am talking to myself , I think the world and my ego need to understand how much I love being married to my husband. Its not easy and i do not ever expect it will be. But it is grand to be where i am in my life today. I do not feel ilke i settled for less when opening my heart and life to my husband. I do not feel there is something missing between us. I do not question the choice i made to marry him. I miss him when he is not around. I am excited about his return from work or travel or the grocery store. There is however this awareness about my dear friend and the uncanny connection we have between us. Earlier this spring he went through and intense 40day fast. He lost alot of weight. When i saw him for the first time since his fast he was so different i was surprised.He was so handsome!!!What a good looking man i never realized he was!  I am not attracted to heavyset men. I never thought about him in terms of being attractive or not. My middle daughter has remarked in the past about how much alike M and i are. How we should get married. She said it in front of my new husband. I was startled by her frankness. I know she has a tendency to spit things out at inappropriate time or say things that should remain thoughts but this was enough to make me red in the face. I do not know why. I do not nor have i ever thought of him in a romantic way. I am a very sexual person and think about eroticism alot. But i have never entertained such thoughts about my friends. I could not help myself when i saw him i noticed what a handsome man he really is. I never noticed before. He had lost so much weight he needed some better fitting clothes. I needed him to help me go look at a vehicle i was considering to buy and we met the lady in a parkinglot near a large Goodwill store. The car did not pan out but M and i decided to go and checkout the Goodwill. He was wearing natural oil of amber and patchouli i think. What a fabulous smell i thought. I couldn’t help notice my friends new look of fitness and health. He seemed to be glowing as he tried on different outfits and everything he tried on looked wonderful. I felt blessed to get to help him pick out some nice new duds that really brought attention to himself. It was exciting to see him so transformed. Shortly after that shopping adventure he started dating someone. I thought it ironic that he met one of my friends through some internet discussion group. She had been at my wedding as was he. She and i went out for girls night and had a nice relationship. I never thought of her and it surprised how i never thought to consider hooking the two up. She did also have alot of fervent convictions about the state of affairs in our world concerning our environment , the economy, the government, etc. I could totally see them as a decent match in that regard.  When i found out they were talking i was so excited i mentioned it to M when i saw him next. He seemed really excited that i knew her and seemed hopeful about it being a good hookup. He was a big part of my life and my girls life and he was around so often that it took some adjusting when suddenly he stopped coming around because he was spending so much time with his new girl. I did not know her too well but what i did know of her she seemed to be a fair choice for him . My kids were quickly jealous because they were used to him being around so much. He knows so much about so many different things that he was able to build cool relationships with some of my kids before he started dating this woman. I was happy for him and i had to work hard at keeping my girls optimistic and happy for him. In our selfishness , we all loved having him around regularly and didn’t want to change. But i was so happy for him. Suddenly he wanted to do all sorts of fun stuff like hiking and camping and water trips with kids and such. My maternal instinct swelled up a few times in worry that she might hurt him. He is such a good man and a great friend that i did not want to see him get hurt. I had to remind my girls that he deserved happiness and everyone should be happy for him. A part of me deep down inside did worry that she might hurt him or not appreciate his many wonderful qualities. He wasn’t mine. He didn’t have any stake with our family. Why would we expect him to still spend more time with us than with her? Thats preposterous to expect of anyone. How long had it been since he was with a woman or in a relationship? He deserved this. I truly hoped that this would be a good thing for him as he so deserved a good thing. I noticed however, that she started acting different towards me when she began dating him.  She suddenly stopped talking when hanging out socially with us. She would come to see him but not talk to me who she knew far longer than she knew him. She carried a really strange vibe with her from then on. My husband and our kids also mentioned how uncomfortable she was making everyone feel now.She even started dressing exactly like him. Big baggy mens tshirts and baggy khaki pants. She seemed to be less than thrilled to be around us now that they were together. I didn’t feel like i could tell him because i wanted him to enjoy being happy.  Within a couple of weeks of dating she moved into his homestead with her daughter who happened to be exactly 24hours older than his son. It all seemed to be a perfect thing. I couldn’t help but hope that he found his someone special. After a few short months, the politics of each having” only children “in this new relationship took over and as soon as this adventure began it seemed as if was ending. I wanted to tell her she better not hurt him but why would i say that? what would i have done? nothing. Why even think such a thing? I do not know. The pictures i had developed had just come back and i had set a few i wanted him to have on my counter. By the time i gave them to him she had left him. The last day they were together at my house was very tense. His girldriends car had died for good and her daughter was out west spending summer with her dad and she didn’t want to come back and live on the homestead with her mom and new family. She lost her job several weeks before that and now with no car she was really stressed.They came over looking to buy one of our older cars. When i saw them arrive i smiled and greeted them. I asked how he was and he said fine but his tone and expression seemed very blue so i went up and embraced him with a good warm hug. I didn’t find out for a few more days that she left him. She said he didn’t have enough money and she couldn’t live like that anymore.  I wanted to fix it for him. I felt so bad. Something strange was happening inside me where i wanted to fix it . i felt responsible for his joy in that moment. I was oddly questioning what the hell was happening to me too for me to even worry about it. Logically , it made sense for me to want to mother my dear friend in his time of heartache. But beyond that i brushed my thoughts and feelings aside because i did not wish to waste my time with matters of no concern to my life. I had enough on my plate anyway to tend to.  My husband asked me if i would have dated M had we met first. I told him i am not into men who are in bad shape but that i definitely would have gone out with him had he asked me. To everyone its obvious that i have alot of admiration for my friend M. I am not inappropriate and i do not need to excercise any self control when around him.  My husband knows that i am crazy about being married and he has nothing to worry about regarding my friendship with M. So whats the deal? I found myself caring more about his attending parties at our house more than anyone else. I cared more about seeing him or talking to him than everyone else aside from my husband and immediate family. I started to feel a tinge guilty when he would come over and i could smell him and i loved how he smelled. I wasn’t thinking about anything in particular and then i would walk by the woodshop and find myself distracted by the scent of the oils he was wearing. No thoughts other than how wonderful that aroma was. Why feel guilty about that? i am not doing anything wrong. I do not like realizing there are parts of me that have been brainwashed over the years and in great need of deprogramming. I did not like feeling bad. I remember one time i was telling someone i live to impress him. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that it means alot to me for him to be pleased with something i am wanting to share. Like a new healthy recipe for something that was made from local and/or organic ingredients. They were a bit stunned by my statement at first and he happened to come into the room and offer an uncomfortable chuckle and asked “why?” i stumbled and corrected myself saying that i value his opinion and i feel i am totally on the right track about diet and such if he is accepting of my choices. I look to him as a gauge for how i am making healthy choices. Very few friends instill that kind of bond with me but to all the people i am tightly bonded with i desire their approval as well. Not just M.

He came over to our drum circle/bonfire the other night and of all the people that attended i was elated that he showed up. I ran up to him and gave him a big hug. I was a little disappointed earlier because i really wanted him to come. I only have my best conversations about the things that mean the most to me in life when i am talking with M. For the first time since i met him i noticed he had green eyes. I was trying to listen to what he was saying but i was thinking to myself” How could i have not EVER noticed it before now? ” Green eyes are my favorite. They are rare and you see very few people with them. He has black curly hair and green eyes. um wow. It was almost laughable to me how i had dreamed of a guy with black hair and green eyes who seemed to live by the same code and conviction i did and i meet him smack in the middle of a great love affair.Now here i sit writing this all down for reasons i know not. I guess because i find myself thinking about him when i least expect it. I came out to the bonfire the other night with my drum to join the drums and musical groove being created. I sat beside him and found myself quickly tapped into the groove he was playing. Another of those moments rose up and sent thoughts whirling around in my head as i tried to maintain a nice groove under the magical harvest moon. I noticed we had a nice melody together. He has seemed very melancholy since breaking up. I am sure he must be lonely. I am sure he would feel better if he had positive reinforcement and support in his life. Love in his life. My beautiful husband sat a very short distance away from us as we drummed by the fire. I felt immense admiration for my beautiful husband for appreciating the friendship between M and I. To me, it showed what a stud HE was for accepting the bond and not being intimidated by the connection my friend and i had. He had been friends with him for far longer than me.

I think often how i wish we could hang out more. We never get together to socialize as friends. I only see him when he is working here on our property or on one of our cars. I wish i could hangout as friends. I wish our homestead and his could all be combined and we could work towards the same goal and surely get more accomplished. We have the same goals but on two different properties.I do not desire him the way i desire my husband. How would i feel if my husband wanted to hangout with some woman this way? I am the woman he wants to hangout with. I would not like for him to want to hangout with another woman more than me. I am not saying that is my desire. I guess i am trying to find peace with the feelings i do have inside. I do not even understand the feelings themselves. If he were a female , we would be best friends. It would be safe for me to spend more time with him and it would be socially acceptable. I do know that i love him. I do know that i worry about him should he get hurt and i wonder now how he is doing when time goes by and we do not speak. He has since gained all the weight back that he was carrying around earlier this spring. He has grown back to resemble the sweet brother/friend/kindred spirit i grew to know and love. Above all else i know i am blessed by our friendship is as everyone is who knows him. He has become a part of my family. He feels more like family to me than my own blood relations. I rest in the comfort of knowing my life is more beautiful because he is in it.

Talkin to myself again…

Facebook.ugh. It seemed like a good idea at the time… I truly LOVED myspace. Someone at work told me about facebook and i checked it out for a sec but i didnt really like it. It seemed so plain and uncolorful. Lifeless. There was so much more creativity with myspace.  Everyone’s page was soo completely different! The art, the layouts,the themes. I really did connect on myspace with people. I actually used the instant message on there . I recall of only a handful of times when i used the facebook messenger. People really shared blogs and it seemed like you were really in your own space and you could go visit people. Facebook is so IN YOUR FACE when you log in. You get a giant feed of what others post that takes up most of your page.  I do like to stay connected but it seems facebook really  only seems to continuously inflate and massage egos. It doesn’t have a cool vibe and it never did. I see young ladies post hundreds and hundreds of photos of themselves in absurd poses to make themselves look skinnier and to give off the appearance of being somebody they are not.  Its incredibly sad because i have three daughters , a stepdaughter and a granddaughter.I can see how people may look at me and judge my vanity for wearing clothes that look attractive on me  and adorning myself. I am talking about a chronic issue these days. Two of my daughters deactivated their account because they got fed up with the drama and the crazy boldness people discover within themselves when they log on and come visit ones facebook page.  There is a rudeness arising within the community of social networks and a brazenness about peoples perspectives towards one another that is alarming. There was a day when people would on occasion wonder what others were thinking. Well it is now a reality. Just visit facebook and most of your dear friends and family and their dear friends will tell you what they think of you and everything in the world whether you ask them or not. Even people i hold a rare special place in my heart have become entrapped in the matrix of facebook.

My very best friend girlfriend has not called me in months. I rarely ever hear her voice. She has not visited me since i was married two years ago.  she logs on everyday and posts endless photos of the same twenty people in her family. She will come back online or keep it logged in permanently through her smart phone so she can respond quickly to comments posted on her facebook. But she will not call me. I am not judging her. i adore her. I use her merely as an example to express the madness most of the American population has now  become blind robots to. I miss hearing her voice. I miss getting letter in the mail from her. I miss the smell of her hug when we got the rare chance to spend time together. we used to have incredible conversations about life and emotions and God and possibilities.  That is something that facebook does NOT offer.  We used to walk her dogs together. We would cook alot in her kitchen and watch endearing or comical movies together. We now only learn of one another by visiting our facebook.  Most people in western culture log into facebook every single day. Why doesn’t facebook offer a daily positive feed about good things going on in the world? why doesnt the company ever offer positive encouragement to its incredibly faithful members each day to help us all throughout our day or to inspire people to be better than what they are? It has only accomplished alot of competitive , backbiting, egocentric, robots.  People are only commenting on stupid shit like the 173rd latest pic of you standing there puckering your mouth or making that pinched up facial expression that gives the impression you just ate a bowlful of lemons….. I truly have a need to connect with people. Truly really connect. We have become programmed by this internet lifestyle. We are now desensitized to so much overt sexual expression, violence, lawlessness,crime,fear,NEGATIVITY. Instead of posting your plagiarized version of Paul Coehlo so all your facebook friends can oo and aaahhh at  you cause your soo evolved, why dont you actually read the books and try to live what he inspires?  Its hard to believe how chat rooms are nearly a thing of the past. At least people gathered together for discussions about real life.   I see strangers get into fights on facebook because they made comments on a mutual friends facebook  page for many social circles to see that was blunt and insensitive .  Why is there only a ‘LIKE” button anyway? When will they create the “RUDE” button or “uncalled for”  or ” Bully” or “where’s the class?” button?

My sister in law discovered how her phone still listens to everything she says even if its only sitting near her. Every conversation she had would alert some program to adjust the advertisements that popped up on her phone to match the conversation she was having.  Everything you say and do online is saved and used somehow/somewhere. I do not say this to foster any fear in the world. If i were afraid i wouldnt be sitting here talking to myself on a blog that i share with noone except for strangers. I am waiting for the school bus to drop my daughter off so i can go pick her up since they do not take her home. ( a whole other drama) I need an excuse to sit. It is a rare opportunity for me to sit long except for driving or for other such necessary reasons.  I digress…

I think it is important to remember that everything you say online, especially facebook is heard far louder than you may want. And perhaps in ways you did not wish for it to be heard. If we realized on a regular basis the importance of choosing our words more wisely then we more than likely would NOT talk on facebook to the level that people do. My stepdaughter took photos of herself and her friends in their bikinis every single time they laid out at their pool then posted all the girls lined up in several different poses on facebook. So what for? What is the message being conveyed here? Are you posting this tenth photo to say that you and your friends did absolutely nothing with your free time but take photos of yourselves doing nothing? Yet you all wanted everyone to see that you did nothing while in your bikinis? I may have grandbabies but i am not ashamed of the way i look in a bikini and most people cannot say that at 40. This is not about some petty competition. There is a serious problem out there in the cyber world and its time someone at least talk about it. I deleted a friend and blocked her because after i read all her thoughts i never expected her to share on facebook, i realized she was a very unlikable person and i did not want to associate myself with people like her. Maybe that was hasty? I am not looking back. I think it could be possible that she didn’t realize how she needed better boundaries with her comments but she is not my ministry. At one point, this person joined some dating company and started  giving every detail of every encounter she had with the men she met. Her daily posts became things like”Well my first prospect was a total bore..he actually thought it would be interesting to me to listen to him go on and on about hunting?” She went on to mutilate the character of a guy she had only met but not yet gone out with. Its a good thing she didn’t hand out her facebook info right away or else that poor sap who had the great misfortune of  crossing paths with crazy woman would have been humiliated at her scathing review of his phone efforts at that point in the dating game. Is she like this everyday? all the time? I cannot believe that people wouldnt at least use some self control when in public or face to face with people, those same people forget all such courtesies when logged into facebook . Since they are not in front of you it does not mean they are not real. I could rant on and on about all the absurdities of social networks like facebook but i think my point has been made. The biggest point being that all these high tech tools we are living with on a daily basis is not offering us a closer connection to people in reality. I deleted my personal account a long time ago.  Every time i log on to post our next festival where we will be selling our wood products, I always make the mistake of reading whats going on with others on my friends list. I always end up feeling lost in a strangeland when i see how everyone pretends to interact with each other. I always feel  like everyone on there just doesnt get it or i am the crazy one. Mostly,  i miss how people would call each other on the phone.It was a long craze for people to get together in person for book clubs.  Even in the 90’s people met in groups all over the nation every single week to watch Beverly Hills 90210 and that show that came on afterwards and they were at best glamorously cheesy. I didnt even watch the shows but i loved getting together with friends  where i would meet other peoples friends and we would all cook  together and laugh and i do not remember the name of the shows but  i loved the time we all spent having cool conversation  with one another. The internet has alot to offer but most people seem  to want to connect with others too like i do or else they wouldnt log on to a network that connects everyone they know under one site. But its fake.  Noone has to actually talk to each other anymore because they can ignore the phonecall and text back when they feel like it. There is no more accountability towards one another. This separation of community hurts everyone. It trickles down into so many different facets of our society.  This zero tolerance for bullying in most schools is a joke now that there is cyber bullying as an option and noone to police the trouble makers. Instead of bringing people together for the common good of all, these network sites have placed a large wedge in the progress  of unity and harmony in the human race. All my friends have a twitter and talk about using it and all the drama that goes on amongst its members and yet none of  them bother to call me or answer when i call.That tells me that tweeting is more important than talking to me. i know that is not how they feel. We all show how we feel by how we behave. no matter how we intend to come across. Its the effort made and the intention taken to send out the vibe as well as the impression that it is important to take time out for people. real time. Not the hour you spend everyday gawking at the facades posted by all the people on your friends list. I do not have a twitter. One of my daughters told me about another site where she uploads pics to it instantly. no blogging or posting like other sites. Just posting instantly to their account pics they take with their smart phone. what the hell is pinit?  With so many sites to visit regularly, how does anyone get anything else done? Seriously. Who’s making dinner and healthy lunches for the children? Who is catching up on the days events with their precious children(growing up so quickly before their eyes) and spouses ? Who is taking fifteen minutes of everyday for prayer or exercise? HOw much time are people really spending online and how much time are they actually connecting with the human spirit within each of the people on their friends list? It did not make it easier to stay connected across the miles. It made people lazier to put in effort required to not lose this important connection with the ones that mean the most to us. What are we teaching our children? I waited tables at Outback several years ago as a single momma of three. I wanted to take my babies out once in awhile instead of serving everyone elses who didnt seem to care about being there or with their family at all and i could not help but take notice one evening at work that every table had children at them and every child at every table either had a cell and was texting on it or a playstation portable gadget and they were playing on that. Why in the hell take your family out to dinner so you can all ignore eachother? NO wonder we are so lost. I  would like to challenge all of you out there not reading my blog(hehe sarcasm intended) to consider turning off the tv and allowing NO phones at the dinner table and actually sitting down and eating with your family. Even if its at nine o clock at night. I also expect my children to drink only water but it has become a ritual and has become special to them.Like communion. They never gave me grief about water at dinner because they never noticed it with all the hangin out and silly conversations we had. We take time out everyday to talk to one another. Everyday you come home and turn the tv on or get in the car and turn on the radio is another day lost you will never get back to connect with your family or loved ones. Everyday you make that same choice is like telling your kids or your spouse that they are not as important as America’s Got Talent and they do not deserve to have a parent check up on their homework and offer help. everyday you let your family get up and leave without making any effort to help set their day off right is  one you lose on bonding time.  Carpooling even within seven to ten miles is ancient history. Most places of employment do not have kindred coworkers joining in brisk walks on lunchhour. EVERYONES IN A CAR! Let us take a minute to step back and look at how out of control this separation of people has become. Maybe if we recognize it in ourselves for a change rather than picking out all the flaws in everyone else each time they share something or post a photo or link, maybe then we can learn to disconnect from all these fancy gadgets and look up in front of us and actually make eye contact with one another again?


This is the first weekend I was completely off and free of obligation from my clients. I really needed the respite.This week seemed to be the most challenging from an emotional level.  One client is facing serious life issues and the words lung, lesion options are being used.She cares for her husband who is totally blind now and not capable of walking on his own. She is nearly 15years younger. They are a beautiful people.  She hasnt told her children. At this point she doesnt have enough information to  offer .  But she shared it with me. She cannot tell her husband. I felt honored in that moment to be sitting in the presence of this amazing black woman. She looks like a young thin version of Helen Martin who played  the mother on the old tv series Good Times.  She’s beautiful.  She shared stories about her sisters and a friend who had lungcancer. She promised herself she would not end up like they did.  Two years ago one of her sisters had one her lungs  removed.Somehow  they missed her other lung being covered in emphysema. She was immediately put on a respirator and Died shortly after. As stressful as my week has been I was humbled in that moment realizing  I am not facing the choices she is. I’m reminded again of J. Not two years older than myself who is covered in cancer. Lungs too.   My life continues while she now struggles to allow hers to continue. I wonder what she is thinking?     How will this play out? Could this have played out differently? She smoked like a chimney, she inundated her system with processed food,red meat, hair dye,breast implants and the like. Perhaps it’s meant to be? Perhaps we all get to choose our exit?Perhaps we are all meant to live to be old and earthy but we are now all setoff course today I count my many blessings but am most thankful I have chosen a more forgiving path regarding the quality of my life and my health. Waheguru


It is hard to believe and so i am nearly holding my breath in the hopes that i might actually only have one client to see on this soon to be rainy friday in lovely East Tennessee.  I am extremely tired from a heavy schedule these past few weeks. Getting the girls ready for school has only added to the chaos. My only client today is such a lovely lady I have had the great pleasure of getting to know.  She told me last week that she was retarded. At first i was surprised by this because i didnt really come close to drawing such a conclusion about her. She is getting on in years and i recall learning when i was young that most retarded babies do not live to old ages. Heart problems mainly. But more than this it was that she just seemed more of a simple person full of joy. She has this wide smile and big blue eyes. She showed me a picture of herself at a younger age and i could definately see the downs syndrome characteristics in her face back then.  I usually only stay there about 2 hours at a time and i try really hard to whiz around as fast as i can to clean as much as i can before i leave at the end of those two hours. She loves to sit in her recliner and lean forward and sew things. She likes to take old material from discarded clothes and cut them up and sew them together. She even reuses the yarn from sweaters as the thread to sew it all together. She makes quite a mess right there the first two feet all around her recliner with material shavings and scraps of yarn and thread. She just truly loves doing it.  Mimi is a very large woman yet inocent and helpless at the same time. she is far smarter than most people would consider her who didnt really know her. I love to cook her good food. She also has a passion for cooking. She told me that she was retarded and the only thing she knew how to do were to cook and sew.  One evening while I was waiting for her dinner to be ready  i sat down to visit with her and she started talking to me about being a momma.   She boasted nonstop about her daughter and the twin granddaughters she bore.  Mimi LOVES babies. She made me look at all her picture albums almost everytime i come to lend her my helping hand. Most of the photos are of the twin grandbabies who just turned three years old. Mimi has the best high pitched laugh you ever heard. Everytime she talks of her sweet daughter and the babies she lets out a high shrill of laughter. she talks so much about her daughter and grandbabies that i was surprised to hear that she had given birth to FIVE other babies!  As she talked to me i listened intently to this sweet woman tell me about how men would have their way with her and how she was even raped out right once. I never expected to hear her say this.  She said she didnt know and people would just have their way and she would have another baby. she loved her babies.  She said that the state came and took all her babies away. She said it tore out her heart. She said she was so mad that she wanted to hurt the people that took her babies. She was working to get them back and got married to some crazy awful man who would bring home women and tell her to leave the room so he could have sex with them in their bed.  She had her fifth baby with him. He threatened many times to send her to the institution cause he said she was crazy. He took that particular baby from her is how Mimi understands it. She said that she didnt know where he was for the longest time. She called her husbands sister and (Mimi’s sister in law) and the woman at the other end of the line told Mimi that he brought the baby to her and that she felt it was best to turn the babygirl into the State.  Mimi talked about this story the most because it seemed it affected her the most. Somehow there was a supposed car accident or something and the newborn that was taken from Mimi was in the car and she perished in that accident. Somehow the state compensated her with money for this terrible accident of her baby dying in the home of a foster family(though she still wonders what the real truth is) and somehow the rotten man who married her once came back into town and found Mimi only to remarry her in order to take the money and leave her once again.  I think of all those nasty men who thought it was ok to have their way with a mentally retarded woman as if she was free for the taking due to her condition. Somehow she did have one more baby and stayed very close to her and they lived together for years. That is the woman who i see in photos everytime i come over to Miimi’s.  My heart breaks that noone protected Mimi during those years. HOw traumatic to not really know how you get pregnant and then having to birth them and then get them all taken away. She said she had boys too. I said it was a shame that noone around would help protect her and watch over her. She said finally there was. Three women who were Jehovahs witnesses took her in and cared for her and helped her clean and gave her food and money to help her see her boys when they visiited. she said they showed her so much love that she became a Jehovahs witness herself.  I wonder how if these ladies are alive and if they know what a great affect and beautiful service of Gods love they offered Mimi during that time.  She seems kind of childlike in spirit but still she is smart enough to know what is going on and how unfair life can be. She still exudes joy nonetheless. I brought her some veggies from my garden and a Lady Vols teeshirt from the last game i attended with my daughters. Mimi’s eyes lit up when i gave her the pink shirt. She was so excited to get a present. She said thank you thank you!  I made her an apple crisp from apples given to me by another client i have. I told them if they picked the apples for me i would make them an apple crisp. I made them this giant platter with double crisp ontop and then they gave me a bag of apples to take home. So i brought some to Mimi and made her an apple crisp too. I still had some left so i made another big platter of it for my family and gave away the remaining eight apples! I swear it felt like the story of the loaves and fishes in the bible! When the crisp was finished i took it from the oven to cool and served up a small bowl for Mimi before i left. I didnt want her bending over to pull it from the oven and get hurt from a hot heavy casserole dish. As i left i suggested she take it down in the morning to share with her friends in the lobby over coffee.  She did and they loved it. I wonder if those apples knew they would travel so far and meet so many people! 🙂 Well, Mimi has been tickled by the time we spend together. I sure have as well. Its hard sometimes when you know other people that are in the same job position as you do not care enough for the people they care for. How can one use the words “care for” regarding the elderly if its not in their heart? They have let life consume them and they lose sight of the fact that these people are PEOPLE. I am not judging them in anyway. We are all on a path and at different coordinates in the great path of life. But i know its hard for them to hear people like Mimi go on and on about me as her caregiver only making them a bit put off by it. I was over there two days ago and Mimi said the caregiver that was there that day for her said”Why does she make you all that food and give you gifts and things?” and Mimi said that she told her “Because she LOVES ME!!”  I did not do any of it because i wanted to out perform the lady Mimi was talking to but because people like Mimi deserve it.Because i love what i do. People like this totally appreciate every little thing you do for them. The rest of our society is so caught up in their own life they cannot see past their nose to consider anyone else outside that life. Most people do not show appreciation nor do they acknowledge it when they should.  I keep having the feeling that we all may not be around here alot longer on this planet. I cannot explain this but we must realize that every minute we have is fleeting and should be appreciated. If i am gone tomorrow i do know that i surely loved those people. I miss Mimi when i leave her in that apartment by herself.  I think how much joy it would bring her to just sit in my living room and be a part of the noise and chaos of kids.  Surely she is in a much better place in her life than she was years ago and I find solace in this on my way home from her place every other evening. I love this job.